Bit at back of edible underwear best left uneaten

A COUPLE who purchased some edible knickers have discovered that it is best to leave the back part of it uneaten.

Following an attempt to liven up their ailing sex life, Martin and Helen Bishop found out that a candy g-string is a unique way to give your partner gastroenteritis rather than a fun sexual experience.

Martin Bishop said: “The front section was quite fun for me. I’m not sure Helen enjoyed being given cunnilingus through a mouthful of crushed sugar shards but she gamely allowed me to plough on.

“I’ll admit that I did start feeling quite sick even before I got to the bit which had been stuck up her bum crack for the best part of an hour but it seemed a bit rude to refuse to eat it, as if I was suggesting she didn’t wipe her arse properly.

“Anyway, long story short, it turns out she doesn’t wipe her arse properly and I spent the next day yacking up partly digested sweets while we shamefully invented a story for the doctor about how I got ill.

“Will we be trying anything like that again? No. But luckily our sex life has now been killed stone dead forever so we won’t need to anyway.”

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Woman complaining about inflation buys Christmas jumper for her dog

A WOMAN who claims to be desperately worried about the state of her finances has just spent £49.99 on a Christmas jumper for her dog.

Despite frequently moaning about inflation and the cost of living crisis, Emma Bradford still has spare cash lying around to spunk on Princess, a golden retriever she calls her ‘fur baby’.

Friend Helen Bishop said: “She says she’s so poor that she can’t afford to put the heating on, but Emma has still splashed out on a cashmere sweater that says ‘Yappy Holidays’ on it. What’s the point? It’s not like Princess has any concept of what clothing is.

“So she’s either lying about being poor, or she’s stupid. Hopefully she’s lying though. It would be awful to get evicted from your home because you were such an idiot that you’d spent all your money on novelty tat for a dog who will ruin it by rolling in fox shit on its first outing.”

Bradford said: “I’m actually really struggling due to inflation. Originally I wanted to buy glittery antlers for Princess too, but that’ll have to wait until I get my bonus.”