Bloke reckons he's hiding obvious crush on female friend really well

A MAN with a huge crush on one of his mates erroneously believes that he is doing a good job of hiding it.

Joseph Turner has been pining for pal Francesca Johnson for a number of years, but thinks he has his feelings well under control despite going bright red every time he sees her.

Turner said: “I used to have a tiny, minuscule crush on Fran, but she’s never noticed.

“Yes, it was a bit devastating when she went on loads of dates and never gave me a second glance, but I didn’t let it affect our friendship. And that’s the most important thing to me, anyway. Certainly not the idea of marrying her and having children with her and being with her forever.”

Francesca Johnson said: “I’m well aware that Joe fancies me, as is anyone who has ever seen him stutter out his words when he speaking to me. It’s a huge joke within our friendship group.

“At a party recently, I told him I was moving in with my partner and he went all silent and excused himself. He said he’d mysteriously come down with a cold, but that doesn’t usually leave you weeping copiously in the toilet.”

Turner added: “I’m really happy for her. That’s why I punched a hole in the bathroom wall.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Six answers you're really tempted to give in your shitty work appraisal

HAVING an appraisal with your boss? Try to avoid the temptation to roll out one of these responses to their stupid f**king questions.

What do I find most challenging?

Having to answer to a twat like you. I’m pretty sure you’re at least twenty years younger than me, and yet you’ve floated to a higher position, presumably because you’re not ashamed to be an obsequious arse licker to the bigger bosses. Honestly, it’s like being line managed by Hermione bloody Granger.

Where do I see myself in 12 months?

Doing another one of these f**king appraisals. I hate this job but, given all the shit that’s going on with the cost of living crisis, it feels too risky to quit. So in a year’s time I’ll still be here, but I’ll hate you even more. Although you’ll probably have been promoted by then, because you’re obsessed with your ‘career path’, you boring little bastard.

My greatest strength?

Patience. I can work alongside arseholes without losing it and putting my fist through a flatscreen monitor. Like Susan in accounts who seems unable to count past ten or Martin in IT whose only solution to my computer crashing again is to tell me to ‘Google it’. I’m basically Mother Theresa, if she’d worked in a logistics company on a trading estate in Woking.

What have I achieved since my last review?

Hmm, well, I learned how to work the complicated coffee machine in the staff kitchen, which means I can waste an extra five minutes making a cappuccino instead of using instant. And I’ve snaffled so much contraband stationery from the company that I’ve got a nice sideline on eBay. I’m nothing if not entrepreneurial.

Any chance of a pay rise?

You’re obviously going to say no, citing the current economic challenges the country is facing, but it makes me feel better to let loose and go on a rant about how I’d be willing to work harder if you paid you more. I’m fully aware that in a fortnight I’ll be quietly made redundant and replaced by some fresh-faced university graduate who’s willing to work twice as hard for ten grand less.