Man's favourite sexual position is whatever he can get

A MAN’S preferred sexual position is any form of intimate physical contact that happens to come his way, it has emerged.

Due to his poor pulling skills, Tom Booker’s sexual tastes have always been whatever a female partner was planning to do anyway, but he is less picky now – if that is possible – after a two-year dry spell.

He said: “My mates keep going on about the nuances between cowgirl and reverse cowgirl. That’s when they’re not writing off missionary for being too vanilla. The ungrateful twats.

“Meanwhile I can only dream of getting my genitals so much as grazed by a consenting adult. If they’re growing tired of shacking up with their long-term partners night after night, I’m happy to swap places. Let’s see how long they last.

“There’s nothing I’d turn down at the minute. I’d even take a handjob through a hole in a sheet like Orthodox religious people do. It wouldn’t take very long either. Like I said, two years. Two very long sexless years.”

Friend Martin Bishop said: “Tom talks a good game but I suspect he’s bullshitting. If his only option was to go down on a woman, he’d make his excuses and leave.”

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Five batshit conversation topics you will tolerate for the duration of an Uber drive

NICE five-star Uber rating you’ve got there. Wouldn’t want to ruin it by not going along with these conversations with the driver, would you?

15-minute cities

You don’t believe that convenient urban planning is part of some global authoritarian plot to limit personal freedoms. Because of course you don’t. Your Uber driver was quick to bring them up though, suggesting that they have more than a passing interest. This means you’ll have to nod along with vague indifference until you reach your destination, or risk losing your immaculate score.

The paranormal

The existence of aliens you can go along with. Ghosts, magic orbs and demonic possession though? Get to f**k. You grew out of that shit decades ago and now live in a world based on rationality. And that common sense is telling you not to disagree with someone driving you somewhere who believes in stone tapes.

A stranger’s personal life

You’ll learn more about the intricacies of your Uber driver’s life in a ten-minute journey than you’ll glean from your best friend over the span of 30 years. Everything from their string of failed marriages to their accidental kids and weird sexual preferences will be discussed at length, and you’ll keep the conversation going by asking equally candid questions. In the context of a short drive, this is apparently fine.

Cashless societies

Once you’re buckled up and the doors are locked, there’s no escape. Your Uber driver will take advantage of this by swiftly informing you about how a mysterious political elite is transforming the world into a cashless society for their own nefarious ends. They won’t use the term ‘lizard people’, but it will be heavily implied. The irony of working for an app apparently escaping them.

China’s social credit system

Just as every drunken pub chat veers towards politics, the long arc of Uber conversations bends towards how China rewards and punishes its people with a national credit rating. ‘It’s not long until they’ll try shit like cracking down on spreading rumours and criticising the government over here,’ your driver will tell you. ‘Anywhere along here’s fine,’ you’ll reply.