Bored flirting woman has 26,410 dates lined up for after lockdown

A WOMAN filling the lockdown days by flirting online has a truly exceptional number of dates lined up for when all this is over. 

Emma Bradford, aged 26, began aimlessly flirting a month ago and now has more than 26 thousand men thinking they are onto a sure post-quarantine thing.

She said: “Some have taken up knitting, others gardening. I’ve chosen to fill my time by texting many, many men in a playful, seductive way.

“It’s like a full-time job at this point. In the morning I’m all over Tinder, and then by the afternoon I’m deep into Bumble and Hinge territory.

“I’m enjoying the attention given that we can’t have any physical contact at the moment, but also I am a little concerned that when lockdown is over I’ve promised dates to basically the population of Kidsgrove.

“Even on three dates a day it’d take me 24 years. I may have to meet them all at the same time, like some kind of expo event. It’s possible I’ve overcommitted myself.”

Tom Logan, aged 31, said: “I can’t wait to see Emma for real. I think we have a real connection. She’s scheduled me for August 2029?”

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Washing the shopping and four other insane habits that now seem normal

EVER think you would end up rubbing every item of shopping you buy with antibacterial spray? No? What other bizarre habits are now normal?

Washing the shopping

Washing boxes of fish fingers used to be the kind of behaviour that Channel 5 enjoyed making lurid documentaries about. But now we’re all obsessive-compulsive clean freaks who think nothing of rinsing a packet of crumpets under the tap.

Wearing protective equipment to Sainsbury’s

Remember the days when the most you needed to pop to the shops was a jacket? Now a face mask and gloves are necessities, which must also be classed as essential because popping out for a bag of crisps could cause untold deaths.

Clapping on your doorstep

In the ‘before’ time, standing on your doorstep applauding the heroism of the Morrisons delivery driver would be looked upon with either derision or concern. Now the miseries who don’t are the ones who are judged.

Worrying the police will stop you for walking

Walking along, rehearsing stories about how it’s the only time you’ve been out that day officer in case you’re stopped, paranoid about being caught by police… all a ridiculous fantasy of a fascist state mere months ago. Unless you’re an ethnic minority, in which case same old same old.

Being obsessed with flour

Two months ago, the only bag of flour in the cupboard was a year old and full of mites and nobody cared. Now you rush to the baking aisle in Tesc, ignoring the one-way rules to get a precious kilo of super fine ’00’ grade. ‘This is real pure,’ you say, as you snort a pinch from the end of your knife.