Brand new father takes up brand new hobby

A MAN whose wife recently gave birth to their first baby has decided this is the moment to take up a new and time-consuming hobby.

Martin Bishop, aged 32, claims he always wanted to do more sport but never had a real incentive to get off his arse until there was a screaming baby in the house that needed its nappy changing twice an hour.

Bishop said: “I always fancied canoeing but was never able to make myself spend weekends on a freezing lake. However, being up to my elbows in shit for the last month made the activity seem really appealing.

“And I’ve really lucked out in terms of my choice, as getting the boat in and out of the water takes ages, as does getting it on and off the car. Plus I have to drive nearly a hundred miles away from home to reach an open body of water.

“I’ve told my partner I’m preparing for when the baby is old enough to join me in a healthy, outdoors pastime, but that won’t be for at least eight years, thank f**k.”

Bishop’s wife Lucy said: “Two can play at this game. I haven’t broken it to him yet, but I’m joining the local am-dram group. He’s going to cry like a newborn when he sees my rehearsal schedule.”

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Your bullshit excuses for staying up until 3am for no f**king reason

ABSOLUTELY f**king knackered? That’s because you stayed up until the early hours indulging in these pointless activities instead of sleeping:

Scrolling social media

Just a quick scroll, you told yourself five hours ago. Now it’s well past bedtime all because you bounced from Twitter to Facebook to Instagram then back again in am endless loop in search of a dopamine hit. The light from your phone screen will f**k your circadian rhythm for days.

Watching YouTube

There’s only a few hours until you need to get up, so why are you wasting your precious sleeping time by watching some teenager you’ve never met rank the various Lord of the Rings characters? No, don’t spend even more energy by writing ‘Eowyn should be number one’ in the comments, just close your f**king eyes already.

Being too lazy to go to bed

You know you need to go to sleep. But that involves getting off the sofa, brushing your teeth, then getting into bed. That’s way too many steps, when instead you could carry on watching Family Guy on ITV2. You don’t even like Family Guy but that’s beside the point. It requires less effort so that’s what you’ll carry on doing.

Alcohol/drugs/bad sex

Delete as applicable. Good sex isn’t included here because a satisfying shag tires out everyone involved and sends them off to sleep easily. Your long-suffering partner is still hoping to experience this state of blissful slumber again one day. Them and their ex achieved it on the regular, no problem.

Worrying about not getting enough sleep

Shit, it’s 3am. And you need to be up in a few hours hours, ready to function like a regular human being. Try to get some sleep. What time is it now? Shit, it’s 4am, and you’re still wide awake. By the time 5am rolls around and you still haven’t drifted off, you might as well cut your losses, get up and prepare to spend the day feeling dreadful.