'Can I get back to you on that?' and other ways to respond when someone says 'I love you'

SOMEONE dropped the L-bomb out of the blue? Stuck for a response? Check out these half-dozen ways to let them down easy (for you): 

‘Good to know!’

Stick with the facts. It actually is helpful to know that this bloke you only begrudgingly acknowledge as a friend thinks you’re the one. Now you can taper things off, warn your friends and set the date when you’re ghosting him.

‘Can I get back to you on that?’

Love’s a big deal, so no need to give a response immediately. Ask if you can have a bit of time to mull over their embarrassing admission. Keep putting them off as you would a work project you really don’t want to do and eventually they’ll probably forget about it.

‘That’s brave of you.’

You’ve got to hand it to them — admitting that you want to not just shag someone but also maybe spend time with them watching TV and eating food is extraordinarily courageous. Putting a real emphasis on ‘brave’ should tell them all they need to know.

‘Cheers.’

It’s only polite to thank your wishful paramour, but try not to be too lavish about it in case you lead them on. A simple ‘cheers’ pushes them safely back into mate/postman/checkout worker territory.

‘Thanks, fuck off.’

Honesty tempered with the bare minimum of politeness is the best policy if you never want to see this person again. But be warned, absence can make the heart grow fonder and they might think you’re just playing hard to get. Probably best to just say ‘I love you too’ and let them down over the course of several wasted years instead.

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Government just can't fathom why Scotland would want independence

THE Government admits it is struggling with the Scottish independence movement because it cannot think of a single reason why they might want it. 

Political heavyweights Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and Dominic Raab have puzzled long into the night as to how a thriving Scottish nationalist movement can exists when things are just perfect as they are.

Raab said: “We’re trying to understand the mentality that would believe something like ‘Scotland should be ruled from Holyrood, not Westminster’. But how can you possibly?

“The three of us are all Oxford-educated and we’ve all visited Scotland on grouse shoots, so this shouldn’t be beyond us. But we are absolutely stumped.

“People say the pandemic, but we’re doing brilliantly with that. They say Brexit, but that’s an unqualified success. They say we’re out-of-touch and patronising, but why are they worrying their little haggis-heads about that?

“No, the cause of Scottish nationalism is entirely irrational, based on delusions of misplaced patriotism, and we would never be as irresponsible as to allow it to happen. Somebody’s got to be the adults in the room.

“Instead, as a compromise, we’ll forbid their referendum, dissolve their parliament and ban their language. That should calm things down.”