Couple dating virtually can't keep their hands off themselves

A NEW couple who met online during lockdown are at themselves like rabbits.

Donna Sheridan and Joseph Turner met through Tinder, quickly connected at a deep emotional level over their semi-nude selfies, began dating and very swiftly allowed the relationship to become auto-physical.

Sheridan said: “From our first video call sparks were flying. And when he asked me to flash my tits, well, I just couldn’t say no.

“One thing led to another and it’s been a pretty intense few weeks. I normally take things slow with someone new, but I couldn’t hold myself back from myself this time. I hope he doesn’t think I’m easy.

“We’re at it constantly. Five minutes of video chat and my hands are running over my body, knowing exactly what to do. I don’t think I’ve ever been so satisfied.

“We’ve even talked about opening a third window in the relationship and involving another woman via Zoom, but why ruin it when we’re so happy?”

Turner agreed: “Sometimes I even forget she’s there, it’s like we’re one. Or maybe I’m just having a wank. I’ll have to see how things pan out after lockdown.”

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Ryanair to run just enough flights to f**k you over

RYANAIR has confirmed it will schedule just enough flights to ensure absolutely nobody who has booked this summer will get a refund. 

The low-budget rip-off airline has announced that it will be running flights to major holiday destinations so if you are unable to take them it is your fault and they keep all the money.

A spokesman said: “Britain deserves a relaxing break in the sunshine. So, if your idea of relaxation is 14 days’ quarantine in Spain followed by a further 14 days’ quarantine back home, we’re here for you.

“We can promise much-reduced queues at the airport and once you arrive you’ll have nothing to do but read your book, stare at the walls of your cell and take regular coronavirus tests.

“Of course, if you don’t want to fly for whatever reason then you’re welcome to reschedule any time within the next three months. We’re not unreasonable. All flights have trebled in price.”

Julian Cook said: “Ryanair, Wetherspoons, Sports Direct… why is it the worst thieving bastards who are so keen to get going again?”

“Them and the Tories, obviously.”