Couple decide to live together before breaking up

A COUPLE have chosen to move in together before taking the next step of breaking up.

Joseph Turner and Francesca Johnson want to make sure they are committed to spending the rest of their lives apart, so are putting themselves in a situation that will bring out their absolute worst.

She said: “I have so many doubts about my future with Joseph, and I’m excited to confirm these by sharing a one-bedroom flat that he will never clean.

“We’ve been together for two years, so it’s not like we’re rushing in to the end of our relationship.

“It’s such a pain always going over his or him coming to mine, often with very little payoff. Once we’re both together under the same room I know I can be sure this isn’t working out.”

Turner agreed: “If we can manage six months of arguments about the bins, telly and my stinking football boots, I think the time will be right to pop the question ‘Shall we call this a day?’

“Maybe I’ll do it on holiday, or when I come home pissed after a night out and spill cheesy chips all over her shoes. Either way, I’m sure she’ll say yes and it’ll make us both so happy.”

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How to still be a sanctimonious vegan now you can eat sh*te from KFC like everyone else

NOW KFC, Greggs and Burger King all sell plant-based products, vegans are at risk of not being as special. Here’s how to stay strong: 

It can be plant-based and vile 

A vegan burger from KFC will be much the same as a chicken burger: both strange, tasteless lumps of protein produced in sinister circumstances. Yes, one killed a living being, but both are disgusting so insist on going to a vegan cafe.

The moral high ground gets shaky

Once you’ve cut out tasty animal flesh and delicious cheese, 80 per cent of your sustenance comes from sitting on your high horse judging others. You lose the right to do this the second you step into a KFC so don’t be tempted.

Remember it’s about ethics

Being a vegan isn’t just about inconveniencing everyone else for attention, it’s ethical. Just because your food’s covered in salt and you eat it out of a bag. That’s a betrayal of your principles which needs to be explained to everyone at length.

You’ll hate yourself afterwards

Much like three bottles of red wine on a Monday night, fast food seems like a wonderful idea and soon spirals into disaster. Just because that Greggs steak bake is vegan doesn’t mean it isn’t a mess of grease, gravy and remorse. And if you’re going to feel that way you may as well be carnivorous.