Couple genuinely have no idea they have become 'those' parents

A COUPLE who swore they would never be ‘those’ parents have absolutely, definitively become ‘those’ parents, acquaintances have confirmed. 

Susan and Leon Traherne, parents of eight-month-old Theo, call each other ‘Mummy’ and ‘Daddy’, use chemical-free wipes ordered from the internet, and have memorised the Ofsted report of every school within a 50-mile radius of their home.

Friend Mary Fisher said: “You have to take your shoes off at the door now. That’s how I knew.

“They’ve moved up to a bigger car, because you need a 4×4 when you’ve got an 18-pound baby, and they tut if you swear when the baby’s there. It’s a fucking baby.

“I bought their kid this plastic phone thing that makes noises when you push buttons. They said they’re bringing Theo up in a digital erasure space and put it on a high shelf.”

Susan said: “It’s amazing how Leon and I haven’t let parenthood change us. We always knew we’d be the cool mum and dad.

“Now, I must to upload the latest 311 pictures of Theo to the family WhatsApp group.”

Your guide to the latest confusing euphemisms for sex

SEXUAL euphemisms used to be straightforward thanks to completely non-confusing expressions like ‘A bit of how’s your father’.

But with new sex slang popping up every day, are you up-to-date? Read our guide.

‘Playing hide the chorizo’
Favoured by Britons who have embraced the ‘foodie revolution’ and desperately want you to know they shop at Waitrose.

‘Plugging in your laptop’
Contemporary version of grim, outdated euphemisms like ‘poking the fire’. See also: ‘Emptying your spam’ and ‘Having a good hard software update’.

‘The severely delayed train is going into the station’
Trains are a common sexual metaphor, but even in a fit of passion many people are unable to forget the increasingly shoddy service offered by many of Britain’s rail operators.

‘Enticing the humpback whale to Climax Coast’
Reflecting Britons’ increasing environmental awareness, this evocative euphemism is not only deeply erotic but also has a poignant ecological message attached.

‘Little Govey wants to come out to play’
Experts are baffled as to why environment secretary Michael Gove might be associated with male genitalia. However this coy euphemism is guaranteed to get any potential lover ‘in the mood’.