Couple join '25 metre-down club' by having sex on tube

TWO young people who engaged in sexual activity on the London Underground have joined the illustrious ranks of the ’25 metre-down club’.

Lauren Hewitt and Jack Browne used the opportunity of a deserted carriage on the Jubilee Line to have a quick, fumbled shag in a unique subterranean environment.

Hewitt said: “After a family of Spanish tourists alighted at Swiss Cottage, we decided to get our rocks off.

“It was incredibly erotic. The intense sensuality of having sex on a filthy seat next to a banana peel and a copy of today’s Metro with the crossword half-completed is one that’s going to be hard to beat.

“I didn’t even realise there was a club for thrillseekers like us. I’ve heard of the mile high club, of course, but that would have been impossible for me to join as I’ve only ever been on a plane with my parents.”

Brown said: “I wouldn’t bother again. The sex was fine, don’t get me wrong, but there was something off-putting about the constant station announcements.

“Also, I kept getting distracted by the disembodied voice saying ‘See it, say it, sorted’. Or is it ‘See it, say it, sort it’? Either way, it really put me off my stroke.”

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Ben Affleck's guide to saving your relationship by dressing up as Batman

ALL couples have rocky patches, and Jennifer and I are no different. But luckily there’s someone I can always turn to in difficult situations: Batman. Here’s how he’s helping me right now.

Dressing as Batman defuses arguments

If Jennifer and I are having a blazing row, I simply leave the room and return dressed as Batman, allowing his natural authority to calm the situation. Although mostly she just says: ‘Why the f**k are you dressed as a bat?’ And to be honest I’m surprised more people don’t say that in the films.

Making up with hot Batsex

Arguments are quickly forgotten when you have sex dressed as Batman. Just being Batman is sexy in itself, but I like to heighten the erotic mood by saying things like ‘Touch my pointy latex ears!’ or ‘I’ve got a big hard batarang in my utility belt for you!’ Jennifer says our Batman-themed lovemaking is ‘literally impossible to forget’, and I’m taking that as a huge compliment.

You can be brooding and enigmatic like Batman

Every recent incarnation of Batman has been dark and troubled, and there’s nothing women find more attractive than a man having a massive sulk about nothing in particular while dressed like a wanker. Millions of teenage goths can’t be wrong.

You can point out Batman’s attractiveness to other women

If you feel your partner is criticising you unfairly, I honestly think it’s reasonable to remind them that plenty of other women would gladly trade places. Vicki Vale, Selina Kyle, Poison Ivy, even Harley Quinn – they’ve all had the hots for Batman. Unfortunately Jennifer pointed out that those women are all made up, but at least now I know how comic book nerds must feel. You’re going to be waiting a long time to have sex with Sue Storm, guys.

No one dumps superheroes

Superheroes’ love interests are remarkably loyal in the circumstances, and what sort of terrible person would split up with Batman? In case your partner claims you’re not actually a superhero, do some low-risk vigilantism and film it on your phone as proof. I’ve started shaming dog owners who don’t pick up poop. It’s technically crime-fighting, and you can’t be expected to fight Bane straight away.

The Batsuit is good at deflecting thrown objects

If arguments lead to objects getting thrown or smashed, you should seek professional help as a couple. But in the short-term the Batsuit does afford quite a lot of protection against items like hurled phones, unless they hit you in the face. You’d have thought Batman would have fixed that by now because of bullets.