Couple marrying abroad hoping no-one comes

A COUPLE marrying overseas are doing it so their wedding is too much of an expensive pain in the arse to actually go to, they have confirmed.

Martin Bishop and Francesca Johnson have chosen their Philippines wedding because it will be amazingly romantic, they will not have to worry about the weather and the guest list should be in single figures.

Johnson said: “It takes 36 hours to get here from Britain, by plane, train and boat. The boutique hotels cost two grand minimum. The vaccinations are extensive. There’s no way the bastards make it here.

“We’ve been guests at too many weddings to be able to cut this down to people we actually like, so we’re spending the same eye-watering amount but instead of the beneficiaries being other people, it’s us.

“A good three-quarters of possible guests are too old or too poor to even consider coming. The rest are cooing about how marvellous it sounds while desperately trying to find ways to wriggle out of it.

“It’s hard to tell your loved ones that you don’t want them at your special day because they’ll fuck it up. But, deep down, I think they know.”

But Bishop’s sister Emma said: “I’ve been dreaming of ruining Martin’s wedding since I was a little girl. I’ll be there if even if I have to remortgage my house.”

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Man thinks of most stupid thing possible and realises it will be government's next move

A MAN who came up with the most idiotic possible way out of the Brexit crisis has realised it will without doubt be what the government does next. 

Tom Booker was discussing Brexit in the pub with friends when he said that Theresa May would probably agree to a second referendum but the only options will be her deal or no deal. 

He added: “I said it like it was funny, but when I looked around for laughter there was none. Only sombre men staring into their pints. 

“I realised then – as they already had – that what I had suggested was embarrassingly moronic, doomed to failure from the outset and deeply shameful to any practicing democracy, so it would undoubtedly be the government’s next course. 

“Plans are, I’m sure, already being prepared in Whitehall by civil servants unable to believe they are doing this shit. The few rational members of the Cabinet are going home and swigging whisky from the bottle and refusing to tell their partners why.

“I’m alternately ashamed of myself for coming up with it, even as a joke, and wondering how I turn my imbecility into government cheddar. Maybe a think-tank?”