Sunday, 1st November 2020

Couple marrying abroad hoping no-one comes

A COUPLE marrying overseas are doing it so their wedding is too much of an expensive pain in the arse to actually go to, they have confirmed.

Martin Bishop and Francesca Johnson have chosen their Philippines wedding because it will be amazingly romantic, they will not have to worry about the weather and the guest list should be in single figures.

Johnson said: “It takes 36 hours to get here from Britain, by plane, train and boat. The boutique hotels cost two grand minimum. The vaccinations are extensive. There’s no way the bastards make it here.

“We’ve been guests at too many weddings to be able to cut this down to people we actually like, so we’re spending the same eye-watering amount but instead of the beneficiaries being other people, it’s us.

“A good three-quarters of possible guests are too old or too poor to even consider coming. The rest are cooing about how marvellous it sounds while desperately trying to find ways to wriggle out of it.

“It’s hard to tell your loved ones that you don’t want them at your special day because they’ll fuck it up. But, deep down, I think they know.”

But Bishop’s sister Emma said: “I’ve been dreaming of ruining Martin’s wedding since I was a little girl. I’ll be there if even if I have to remortgage my house.”