Couple with shared Facebook profile will be divorced in three months

A COUPLE with a shared Facebook profile will be divorced with three months, it has been confirmed.

Tom and Helen Booker’s joint social media presence is only one indicator of the absolute shitfight into which their relationship has deteriorated.

The husband and wife also have dedicated weekly ‘date nights’ and a contrived portmanteau name that nobody has called them.

Tom Booker said: “We wanted the world to see how in love Tomelen is, and the fact she caught me sending messages to her cousin is completely irrelevant. We are a passionate couple, and all the shouting last weekend just proves it.”

Booker’s wife Helen said: “If people want to criticise us just because we wear matching jumpers with hearts on that’s their problem. It’s got nothing to do with the month I went to Italy by myself.

“I don’t care if my friends think it’s weird. I love him and he loves me and that’s the fucking end of it, alright?”

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Secret to happiness is judging people in supermarket queues

MAKING sweeping judgements about other people’s lives based entirely on their shopping is the key to personal happiness, it has been confirmed.

Researchers found that being horribly critical about strangers who are buying a box of Crispy Pancakes and two litres of Tizer is healthier than meditation, exercise or a Mediterranean diet.

Shopper Francesca Johnson said: “If they have no vegetables apart from a bag of frozen peas then I assume they didn’t go to university, whilst if they’re buying crinkle cut chips they probably didn’t finish school at all.

“Women buying a single bottle of wine are going to go home and cry into it alone, and anyone buying a plug-in air freshener reads the Daily Mail and votes for UKIP.

“In my basket I’ve got a kale, lentils, a bottle of truffle oil and a box of lapsang souchong. All of these things are obviously disgusting but I want people to think I’m intelligent.”

Looking at Johnson’s shopping, next-in-the-queue Donna Sheridan, muttered: “What a fucking arsehole.”