DO you think kneeling down in the shower to sip at a genital cascade is sexy? It’s not. These are the reasons why shower sex is terrible:
You look like shit
In your mind you’re sexy all naked and wet but you’re blinking, your hair’s plastered to your skull, your face is reddened in the steam and your extremities are goosepimpled. And the lighting is less than forgiving in there.
Cunnilingus is likely to result in drowning
Another word for having something stuffed in your mouth while torrents of liquid come crashing down on your face? Waterboarding. And if your partner wraps their leg around your neck, you’ve now got constricted airways. They didn’t go that far in Guantánamo.
Not enough space
It looks hot when they do it on telly because every move is choreographed. When you and your tubby boyfriend attempt it you’ll be all elbows and knees and will end up with your boobs pressed against the unpleasantly cold tiles, bleakly making a mental note to scrub the grouting.
Soap is an issue
Even light soaping – giving the undercarriage a quick pre-game wash since you’re in there anyway – means there’s a substance abrasive to the eyes and unfriendly to the tastebuds in play, and at some point the phrase ‘ow, that stings’ will be used. This is not a sexy phrase.
Huge potential for injury
Showers are slippery as f**k when there’s one of you in there, so two people attempting athletic sex is just asking for trouble. If you don’t fall through the glass door and slice an artery, you might faint from the heat or scald your penis when the temperature abruptly changes. Spending nine hours in A&E will kill the mood.
You can see the toilet
If you get enough purchase to start banging away, you’ll struggle to relax. Aside from the danger and the discomfort, you’re within mere feet of the toilet. While she’s moaning, you’re staring the toilet in its maw and wishing you’d closed the lid. You can’t orgasm when you’re thinking of the toilet. Give up and stick the telly on.
