Dad uses 34 metaphors in three-minute sex talk

A DAD believes no confusion has been caused by using 34 metaphors during a talk about sex with his son.

Martin Bishop felt his son Jack, 13, would benefit from an awkward talk about sexual intercourse during which he never used the word ‘sex’ but did refer to ‘making the beast with two backs’. 

Jack Bishop said: “Dad wouldn’t let me meet up with a female friend until we’d had this talk. Then he started going on about ‘the risks of interior decorating’.

“He went on to say it was time we had a discussion about ‘you know what’. When I asked what he meant he said ‘spearing the bearded clam’. But we live in the Midlands so I’m hardly going to the beach. Maybe he was drunk.

“He mentioned quite a few other random things, including ‘stirring the yogurt’, which was weird because he knows I’m lactose intolerant. I think he might be having a nervous breakdown.”

Asked how the chat went, Martin Bishop said: “Nailed it. I couldn’t have been clearer about the old how’s your father.”

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Actual working class family insulted to be called working class

A WORKING class family have said they are not keen on the term, unlike middle class people who like to call themselves that.

After a survey found that large numbers of well-heeled people strangely claim to be working class, bricklayer Tom Logan and his family said being described as such would lead to them ‘having words’.

Logan said: “I don’t get why middle class types call themselves working class. Maybe they think it’s trendy. But I was on a building site in the freezing f**king rain yesterday, and it didn’t feel very trendy, just wet.

“If they really were working class they’d say, ‘Who are you calling working class, you patronising wanker?’

“I can’t even see the point in pretending to be a different class if you’re obviously not. I don’t go around calling myself Prince Thomas and referring to my two-bed semi as Romford Castle.” 

Wife Sarah said: “Working class, that’s us. Ketchup with everything. Beer, not wine. Tea brewed for 10 minutes. Always glued to the telly. Repairing our bikes in the living room. 

“No, I’m getting confused, that was an episode of The Royle Family.”