Monday, 8th March 2021

Dad uses 34 metaphors in three-minute sex talk

A DAD believes no confusion has been caused by using 34 metaphors during a talk about sex with his son.

Martin Bishop felt his son Jack, 13, would benefit from an awkward talk about sexual intercourse during which he never used the word ‘sex’ but did refer to ‘making the beast with two backs’. 

Jack Bishop said: “Dad wouldn’t let me meet up with a female friend until we’d had this talk. Then he started going on about ‘the risks of interior decorating’.

“He went on to say it was time we had a discussion about ‘you know what’. When I asked what he meant he said ‘spearing the bearded clam’. But we live in the Midlands so I’m hardly going to the beach. Maybe he was drunk.

“He mentioned quite a few other random things, including ‘stirring the yogurt’, which was weird because he knows I’m lactose intolerant. I think he might be having a nervous breakdown.”

Asked how the chat went, Martin Bishop said: “Nailed it. I couldn’t have been clearer about the old how’s your father.”