How to spice up your relationship with your right hand

HAS the spark fizzled out between you and your dominant hand? Turn up the heat in the bedroom with these saucy tips.

Introduce your other hand

If you’ve been together a long time you’ve probably both had thoughts about adding your other hand into the mix. This sounds exciting, but remember – it’s important to have an honest chat with your current hand before opening up the relationship, and the whole experience will probably just feel clumsy and be a massive let down anyway.

Admire other hands together

Take things slow at first, maybe admire the slender digits and curvaceous palms of the hand models in jewellery catalogues. From there you can take it up a gear by gazing at hands in public, and if you’re feeling really adventurous, watch videos online. Stay away from porn sites though, it’s mainly just pneumatic thrusting with minimal hand content.

Indulge in some roleplay

Perhaps your hand could be Thing from The Addams Family and you’re an unsuspecting Morticia who needs help opening a dusty jar of bats’ eyes. One thing leads to another and… well you can picture the rest. Good luck if this doesn’t do it for you because it’s as sexy as disembodied hands are going to get.

Remember your first time together

You two got together for a reason, so stoke the fires by recalling the first time you hooked up. Maybe even recreate the occasion by furtively flicking through FHM, moving a chest of draws in front of the bedroom door so nobody can burst in, and anxiously listening out for your parents coming home.

Have fun outside the bedroom

Create new experiences and get closer to each other by moving the action out of the bedroom. Cosying up in front of the fire is a good place to start, and if you haven’t tried it in the shower then you’re missing out. Maybe avoid the kitchen – it’ll feel okay in the throes of passion but once you’re done the shame will sweep in.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Government to reward catching Covid with fabulous cash prize

ANYONE who catches Covid is to be rewarded for their efforts with £500, cash in hand, no questions asked, to spend on whatever they want. 

The shock move came as Boris Johnson got bored of the Covid crisis and switched to a policy of encouraging herd immunity by handing out wads of cash to anyone who catches coronavirus. 

Priti Patel, appearing in a National Lottery-style TV advert, said: “It’s Britain’s biggest cash giveaway, and everyone’s invited!

“Catch yourself a dose of Covid and if you survive, the government will award you 500 notes in your hand, tax-free. There’s the light at the end of the tunnel you’ve been waiting for. 

“Not only will this cash stimulate the economy, it’ll take away the stigma of catching Covid. Soon Brits will be pumping their fists and screaming ‘Yes!’ when they test positive. You won’t see that in wimpy Australia. 

“So what are you waiting for? Get out and get infected! The government regrets anyone who has already caught the novel coronavirus within the last 12 months is ineligible for the cash prize.”

Jordan Gardner of Colchester said: “I got fined £800 for holding a party, but I caught Covid so that brings it down to £300. Boris is a legend. I’ll definitely vote Tory again.”