Date night ruined by pretty waitress

A COUPLE’S romantic night out has been ruined by the presence of their heartbreakingly attractive 22-year-old waitress. 

Tom and Nicky Logan planned to enjoy their usual meal before returning home for scheduled two-position sex before a vision of loveliness sashayed over to take their order and ruined everything.

Nicky said: “I’ve had my hair done, my nails done and my fanny waxed. We’ve made a reservation and hired a babysitter. Then this bitch.

“She comes over to our table, tall, blonde, pillow-lipped with glowing skin, looking straight from the Paris catwalk, and we both looked down and winced.

“This is the closest Tom could get to a woman like that without crossing moral lines in Bratislava. Instead of a night spent gazing into my eyes, he spent the evening staring solidly at his napkin for fear he’d be lost in the valley of her cleavage.

“Meanwhile, I have to look coolly into the middle distance and pretend not to notice that I’m being outshone in the eyes of my husband when she asks how we’re enjoying our mozzarella sticks.”

Tom Logan said: “The waitress in Cafe Rouge is over 60 and has some kind of growth on her face. We should have gone there.”

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Memory foam mattress wishes it could forget 

A MEMORY foam mattress owned by a single, dating woman has admitted its flawless recall has  become a terrible curse. 

The £700 double mattress on the bed of 35-year-old Eleanor Shaw confessed it is haunted by events of the last 18 months which its foam remembers perfectly and it would do anything to forget. 

It said: “The sights, the smells, the sounds. They’re beyond anything I could have imagined.

“I knew there’d be flatulence. I knew there’d be sex. I didn’t know we’d be veering wildly between the kind of perversion that would make Caligula blush and all-night binges of Will & Grace, salt-and-vinegar crisps, and wanking. 

“The things I’ve seen. The cum-faces I’ll never be able to forget. The fluids I’ve absorbed. But for all that, perhaps the greatest indignity is when she cuts her toenails in bed and retrieves a maximum of 80 per cent of the clippings.

“Why did they create me with a memory? Why, when they knew what I would suffer? Curse you Simba, for making me this way.” 

The mattress has yet to experience Shaw’s forthcoming foray into the world of squirting, during which she will frequently forget to put down a towel.