PLANNED for melons, but ended up with cherry pips and a Wonderbra? You’re as disappointed as the men you’re dating. This advice offers minimal comfort:
Never date working class
Useful advice anyway, but particularly so for the flat-chested. A Telegraph reader has been bred to find double-barrelled titless heiresses attractive. Guardianistas feel small breasts are high-class, sophisticated and continental. While Sun readers demand a massive, swinging pair like all women had under Thatcher.
Manage expectations
Despite what certain hypnotherapist would-be Green Party leaders believe, you can’t manifest a G-cup. There is no placebo effect for miniscule mounds. Instead make his first glimpse casual and natural, like an arthouse movie, with no nipple tassels or big shirt-tearing reveal. He’ll manfully hide his dismay.
Consider augmentation
Timing is key. Time it with a new job, new man or returning home from a year in Budapest and you’ll get away with it. Otherwise, he may notice something’s changed between the fourth and fifth date, like your boobs going from A to DD, and feel he has a duty to bring it up. This will make conversation awkward.
Avoid men’s opinions
Again, always worth doing. But assume he’s thrilled just to be within groping distance of your jugs and don’t offer him a feedback form. He’ll likely offer no comment while mentally comparing them to every other tit he’s ever held and instantly ranking them in his head. This is what men do, even if they later deny it to long-term girlfriends.
Take up sport
Ideally jogging, boxing, volleyball or something else the heavy-breasted woman could never do. She’ll be envious, watching from the side, seeing your athletic freedom. Your boyfriend in the audience will be sneaking glances at her and picturing her leaping to the net in a crop top.
Look on the bright side
You can wear basically whatever you want and it hangs better, you tell yourself. You don’t get back pain and they’ll never sag. Do you get free drinks just because of your tits, however? You do not.
