FROM today you can obtain a no-fault divorce if you really want to believe that it wasn’t your fault. But what other types of divorce are also newly available?
True love, pledged eternally between two people, is too powerful to be destroyed by a mere animal. Until the 7am walk, and the 11pm walk, and mopping up piss, and jumping on the bed every night, and you know what? Piss off and take your f**king dog with you.
It’s important, in divorce, to reassure the children it’s not their fault. Unless it is their fault, and you want to make that absolutely clear to the point of it being recognised in court. Driving a wedge between you with their constant needs and wants and costs. They should be ashamed.
Social media’s-fault divorce
If only she hadn’t looked up her university boyfriend on Twitter. If he hadn’t hooked up with an old colleague via Facebook. If she hadn’t looked so hot on Instagram. If he hadn’t joined Tinder ‘just to see’. It’s all social media’s fault. Without it you’d never have known you could do better.
Whether a Telegraph reader blaming the wild homoeroticism of Newsnight or a left-winger claiming Brexit left you impotent, the breakdown of your marriage can be the fault of everything you abhor about Britain today. Don’t forget f**king Love Island/Keir Starmer/the congestion charge.
All blame for the collapse of your legal partnership can now be put down to faulty wiring. If anyone asks, give a lengthy explanation involving misfiring circuits, a dud transistor and a disconnected earth wire. Nobody will ask any further questions.
Ed Balls’s-fault divorce
Former education secretary and Strictly contestant Ed Balls has signed up to be the face of Britain’s ‘Go on, get a divorce! It’s no-fault now’ campaign, and any couples dissolving their marriages have the option of blaming it all on him. More than 20 per cent are expected to do so.