Friday, 6th December 2019

Eco-friendly couple discover their marriage is disposable

A COUPLE who are strict vegans, wear upcycled clothing and go on holiday by train have realised their marriage is toxic and disposable. 

Julian and Iris Turner married four years ago in woodland but have realised that their love for each other is shrinking even faster than their carbon footprint.

Iris said: “I thought our devotion for each other was as endlessly pure as wind-generated power. Instead it’s more like a dirty coal-fired generator, ruining everything.

“All the fun things people do in relationships like jetting away to have sex somewhere hot or filling the trolley at IKEA are out-of-bounds, and every meal is just Stephen’s shit tomatoes he's grown or my ugly mutant kale.

“We’re not going to have children because population control is one of the biggest threats to the planet, but we’re also not having sex because contraceptives are bad for the planet. And we only wash in rainwater, so we stink a bit.

“I hate to say it, but I find myself pining for a single-use sexual partner I toss carelessly aside afterwards without a thought for their provenance. And a Big Mac.”

“If this is what it takes to keep the planet going longer, I’m not sure it’s worth it.”