GETTING married? Consumed with making your wedding stand out from all the others? These wedding themes will show everyone the real arsehole you:
Covering a country house in toadstools and flower crowns is a great way to pretend you’re at a boutique festival, not committing to life with some rando you met when off your faces. There’ll be magic in the air when Nan trips on fairy lights and has to go to A&E.
Recall the roaring years of excess before inevitable financial collapse in a theme directly relevant to your bank account when the wedding’s over. Your guests will love hiring period-accurate clothing to drink bathtub gin and watch you dance the Charleston in a Best Western function room.
Celebrate our nation’s agriculture by making your guests sit on upturned buckets and being accompanied down the aisle by a traditional British alpaca. Tetanus is a small price to pay for the romantic decommissioned rusty farm equipment look. Just make sure the miserable landowner you rented the field from doesn’t get in the pictures.
If it’s really important for everyone to know that you read books and get laid, combine the two at your wedding. Name tables after great authors, pepper the venue with internet-sourced quotes and prove your intellectual credentials by including excerpts from non-rhyming obscure poetry in your self-penned vows.
Finally, nothing screams ‘unique romance’ like a wedding themed after a billion dollar corporation that aggressively purchases intellectual property. Forget that you’re both senior accountants in your mid-30s and blub at your wife-to-be that she’s ‘the beauty to your beast’ or the ‘little mermaid to your singing crab’. That’s not embarrassing at all.