THE nation’s ex-boyfriends have texted offering a token gift and perfunctory, fumbled sex as a marvellous Christmas treat.
Across Britain, former partners have sent short, hopeful messages combining seasonal greetings, feigned nostalgia and a subtext of carnal availability.
Helen Archer said: “Honestly a dick pic with a sprig of holly on top would have been more subtle.
“‘Remember last Christmas?’ he said. Yeah, I remember, I came round to yours on Boxing Day and watched you play Wolfenstein for an hour before you gave me a bottle of clearly re-gifted perfume. It was a major reason why we split up.
“And now I’m supposed to meet you in a heaving pub, unwrap a cheap and blindly chosen box of Hotel Chocolat and then fuck you out of festive gratitude?
“Just because it’s December doesn’t mean I’m going to repeat all the self-indulgent booze-and-sentiment-fuelled mistakes I make every year. I’ve got more self-respect than that.”
Archer added: “Oh go on then.”