Ex-boyfriends offering bad sex for Christmas

THE nation’s ex-boyfriends have texted offering a token gift and perfunctory, fumbled sex as a marvellous Christmas treat.

Across Britain, former partners have sent short, hopeful messages combining seasonal greetings, feigned nostalgia and a subtext of carnal availability.

Helen Archer  said: “Honestly a dick pic with a sprig of holly on top would have been more subtle.

“‘Remember last Christmas?’ he said. Yeah, I remember, I came round to yours on Boxing Day and watched you play Wolfenstein for an hour before you gave me a bottle of clearly re-gifted perfume. It was a major reason why we split up.

“And now I’m supposed to meet you in a heaving pub, unwrap a cheap and blindly chosen box of Hotel Chocolat and then fuck you out of festive gratitude?

“Just because it’s December doesn’t mean I’m going to repeat all the self-indulgent booze-and-sentiment-fuelled mistakes I make every year. I’ve got more self-respect than that.”

Archer added: “Oh go on then.”

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Child with 'Santa truther' parents about to f**k shit up on playground

A CHILD whose parents have told him the truth about Santa is about create utter chaos in a school playground.

Five-year-old Ocean – the son of progressive parents – is preparing to blow some minds with his truth bomb about Father Christmas.

His mother, Greta, explained: “We don’t lie to Ocean about anything, and that includes the pernicious capitalistic deception that presents come from Santa.

“Ocean understands that all of his gifts – predominantly wooden figures representing important characters from literature – came from me and his father, and his nanny, Katya.”

Ocean is now preparing to run around the playground breaking the news at the top of his voice, prompting widespread confusion and distress.

His parents’ policy of openness will also lead to a revelation about an affair between another pupil’s father and their teacher.