Ex-boyfriends offering bad sex for Christmas

THE nation’s ex-boyfriends have texted offering a token gift and perfunctory, fumbled sex as a marvellous Christmas treat.

Across Britain, former partners have sent short, hopeful messages combining seasonal greetings, feigned nostalgia and a subtext of carnal availability.

Helen Archer  said: “Honestly a dick pic with a sprig of holly on top would have been more subtle.

“‘Remember last Christmas?’ he said. Yeah, I remember, I came round to yours on Boxing Day and watched you play Wolfenstein for an hour before you gave me a bottle of clearly re-gifted perfume. It was a major reason why we split up.

“And now I’m supposed to meet you in a heaving pub, unwrap a cheap and blindly chosen box of Hotel Chocolat and then fuck you out of festive gratitude?

“Just because it’s December doesn’t mean I’m going to repeat all the self-indulgent booze-and-sentiment-fuelled mistakes I make every year. I’ve got more self-respect than that.”

Archer added: “Oh go on then.”