Ex worried he's missed the window of maximum vulnerability

AN EX is worried he may have missed his chance to use a global crisis to sneak back into his former partner’s life, he has admitted. 

Ex-boyfriend Tom Logan was hanging back until Emma Bradford’s lowest point ready to strike, but is concerned he has waited too long and her self-esteem may already be rising.

Tom Logan, aged 28, said: “What if Emma’s been able to emotionally move on? That simply cannot happen.

“I need her to be hanging off my every word over text, watching me come online and offline on Whatsapp, on tenterhooks about whether I’m going to text her.

“I was waiting for the perfect moment, but what if I’ve missed it? I’m petrified she might have had enough time now to work on her friendships and hobbies and career, and won’t be desperate enough to let me back.

“Tonight I’m sending a ‘hey how u holding up? x’ text to her to get the ball rolling. Fingers crossed she’s feeling fragile enough to reply.”

“If not? Well, there’s always the second wave in August.”

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Is it time to stop pretending it's worth your kids going to school?

WITH most children not to attend school until September, sensible parents are increasingly asking whether it’s worth educating kids at all. Find out: 

How do you feel when they show you their spelling test results?

A) Proud as you anticipate full marks.
B) Gloomy as you anticipate spending another weekend coaching them in the spelling of ‘tree’.

What sporting trophies are you proudly displaying?

A) Swimming, football, netball and a cool one for archery you can really show off about.
B) A pathetic badge they all got for being present at sports day which a teacher handed out from a bucket.

When they bring drawings home, what are they likely to depict?

A) A surprisingly detailed image of what they’re studying, be it Vikings or tigers.
B) Stick men shooting each other. This is not good for Year 8 art class.

What subjects do they show an aptitude for?

A) The eldest is really into writing his own stories and reads voraciously; the youngest is far better at maths than me and loves Sudoku.
B) One’s very interested in documentaries about the Nazis and the other’s an expert at bullying other girls on Instagram.

When you imagine your child’s future, what mental images come to mind?

A) Oxbridge graduation photos, foreign travel, maybe even a barrister’s wig?
B) Lending them money, some sort of hippy squat in Bristol, maybe even street juggling?


Mostly As: It’s probably worth sticking with the whole school thing, even if it’s only to see your face when your beloved barrister daughter marries a street juggler.

Mostly Bs: Your children are what educationalists call ‘a write-off’. Save yourself the hassle of homework and the school run and just let them run around the garden until they’re 18.