Exes' favourite time to chat is 10.55pm

BRITAIN’S ex-partners have confirmed that just before 11pm is the best time to discuss how their life is going.

Former boyfriends and girlfriends are very much into having a rambling, awkward chat when they are extremely tired and thinking about going to bed.

Ex-boyfriend Martin Bishop said: “I love it when my ex Kate rings quite late in the evening. A stilted emotional conversation is just what I need when I’m knackered after work. 

“And it’s absolutely fine when she starts fishing for information about whether I’ve met someone else, or might do. I’m cool with being reminded that I’m single and haven’t had sex for two years.

“10.55pm is definitely the right time to call. I wouldn’t want Kate to have to go to bed without sharing all the incredibly trivial problems that are playing on her mind.”

Erstwhile partner Donna Sheridan said: “It’s nice that I can be a shoulder to cry on when Peter calls to tell me his life is a mess and drop heavy hints about ‘how good we were together’.

“If he’s really drunk that’s no problem because I love being told how beautiful I am in a slurred voice about 20 times.”


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Middle class mum making sh*t political statement with child's Halloween costume

A MIDDLE CLASS mother is wondering which of her tepid political opinions to turn into a Halloween costume for her child. 

Francesca Johnson has narrowed the options down to something about Boris Johnson or something about Jeremy Corbyn, as long as it does not cross a line.

She said: “We could do a zombie Boris Johnson, because he’s a bit stupid. And he could be holding a book about Europe and looking quizzical. 

“Maybe he could have a calendar or something with the Brexit date crossed out. Or will that look as if we’re mocking Leave voters?

“Alternatively we could dress up Toby as Jeremy Corbyn. Maybe I’ll make one of those little hats he likes wearing out of a muesli box, and he could be wearing a t-shirt with a hammer and sickle on.

“Or might that look as if we support him? I don’t want the neighbours thinking we’re Marxists.”

Son Toby said: “I want to dress up as a massive robot with a gun. What’s Jeremy Corbyn?”