Experts confirm best way to work through relationship problems is to ignore them

COUNSELLORS have advised couples suffering issues in their relationships that if they ignore them completely they eventually go away. 

Despite their previous emphasis on communication and compromise, experts have found that putting the television on or going to the pub when major relationship problems emerge is, long-term, less stressful and more successful.

Couples counsellor Dr Helen Archer said: “There’s an undeniably strong correlation between happiness and refusing to acknowledge anything is wrong. Also having a shed to hide in.

“Key skills couples should develop include never asking ‘what’s wrong?’ when your partner has the hump, never looking at their phone and not noticing when you’ve not had sex in months. The key love language, it turns out, is silence.

“Couple Roy and Pauline Hobbs of Dorking have barely spoken since 1986 and yet reported sky-high levels of marital bliss. One could die and we’re not sure the other would notice. Let that be a model for the young to follow.”

Pauline Hobbs said: “All this modern nonsense with talking things over. I once ran away with the postman for nine weeks and Roy never mentioned it apart from ‘You’re back then? Best get the tea on.’”

Dr Archer said: “If everyone follows this advice I’ll have put myself out of business. But it’s worth it not to have to listen to whinging couples and their pissant problems.”

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Successful young person can f**k right off

A MAN decades younger than you who has already achieved more than you ever will can go and f**k himself, older generations have agreed.

A high-flying stranger who has founded a successful business by the age of 28 has been widely condemned by those between 15 and 40 years older for being inconsiderate of their feelings.

Ryan Whittaker, the subject of your scorn, has made it worse by coming from a humble background and not doing well academically, making his elders’ loathing of him look even more bitter and spiteful.

He said: “Being born after you wasn’t a conscious choice on my part, but having a brilliant idea and running a profitable business were. So maybe you’re mad at yourself?

“Is that why you’re so red-faced and screwing up your wrinkled, resentful eyes when you glower at me? Because I’m the embodiment of what you could’ve been?

“Or are you envious of my youthful good health, smooth skin and strong hairline, all a distant memory to you as you hurtle to the grave? Don’t worry, I’m not wasting my life smoking and drinking like you did. I plan to retire at 35.”

Oliver O’Connor, aged 27, who was in the same year as Whittaker at school, said: “Oh, we all hate him as well. But I can’t imagine how much worse it is for you.”