Five dates you shouldn't go out with for the sake of a shag

ARE you tempted to enter into an inadvisable relationship because you haven’t had sex for ages? Here are some dates who should be setting off alarm bells.

Obvious narcissist

The big clue here is that they explain how great they are a lot, but also look for ostentatious status symbols like stupidly expensive ‘luxury’ watches. If you end up going out with them you may find you’re a status symbol too; basically an Audi with a vagina.

Someone you have nothing in common with

If you’re desperate for a shag-cum-relationship, it’s easy to ignore your total incompatibility. This will lead to problems later on, when they want you to get up at 6am to go rock climbing and you want to lie on the sofa eating cold kebab meat with a splitting hangover.

Anyone with hints of weird beliefs

If your date is hot, it’s tempting to overlook them briefly mentioning things like Wicca and spiritualism. Don’t. They will turn out to be utterly mental and make you go to events above a local pub where a medium called Doreen talks to her Native American spirit guide, Hiawatha.

Business twat

These people are superficially appealing because they’re quite together and well-off. But you won’t be so keen after a few weeks of socialising with their tedious workmates and another gripping anecdote about Jeff getting lost on the way to the NEC.

Total flakes

These can come across as spontaneous or cutely disorganised, but you’ll soon get sick of them losing their job for the billionth time or buying a snake on a whim. Any relationship won’t last anyway, as they will probably dump you for someone they met on YouTube comments.

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Awful things you'll have to do if you want money from your parents again

YOU’RE skint and the only people you can turn to are your parents. What will Mum and Dad want in return for all that cash?

Start calling them ‘Mum’ and ‘Dad’ again
They’re aren’t of the generation where calling them by their first names is acceptable, and apparently it’s disrespectful to have them saved in your phone as Boomer 1 and Boomer 2.

Do a sensible five-year financial plan
Don’t tell them that the only plan you’re interested in is stopping them selling the family home and spunking the cash up the wall on exotic cruises, the selfish bastards.

Be polite about your mum’s cooking
For decades she’s been pushing her flapjacks on you as a lovely home comfort, whilst knowing they’re an assault to your mouth. Even her baking is passive-aggressive.

Reluctantly invite them round to the flat they’ve been financing
This will be a logistical strain as well as an emotional one as you’ll need to hide the expensive shoes and designer succulents you’ve been spaffing their money on. While they’re definitely to blame for the neuroses that led you to purchase an adult babygro, they don’t need to see it.

Practice looking like you enjoy hugging them
Your preferred way to communicate with your parents is via terse Facebook posts on their birthdays. However, the bank of Mum and Dad gives amounts of cash in direct correlation to amounts of affection, because they love to revel in your discomfort.