Five dating tips if you just want to get back with your ex

ARE you back on the dating scene but still madly in love with your ex? Here’s how to keep their memory alive while you play the field. 

Mention your ex constantly

You’re having a starter? My ex never had a starter. You like red wine? My ex preferred white. You don’t want to talk about my ex? Well that’s a change, because they talked about themselves all the bloody time. Your friend’s called with an emergency and you’re getting an Uber now? I will shout random facts about my ex as you drive away.

Give handy hints on how to be more like your ex

Your ex was great, so it’s only natural your new partner will want to learn from them. Tips like ‘Rob used to wear white trainers’ or “Suzi never used that much hairspray’. If you’re sleeping together, tell them what your ex used to do in bed. They’ll appreciate the tutorial.

Visit places you went to with your ex

Why drop perfectly good restaurants, bars, or small hotels on the Rio Della Pieta in Venice just because you and your ex used to eat there, drink there or make long, passionate love there? They’re road-tested and romance-ready. And if you bump into your ex hey, small world.

Stay in touch with your ex

Text your ex frequently, laughing uproariously at their comments. Never miss their Instagram story. If your ex needs a favour immediately drop everything and rush over. This will prove you’re one of those mature, worldly-wise people who can stay friends with someone they’ve seen naked.

Get back together with your ex

New partners are great, but your ex is the one. So abruptly and without apology end your new relationship. Whoever you’ve been dating should be happy for you since you’ve explained how amazing your ex is, but to be on the safe side park your car on a neighbouring street for a few weeks.

Science less than a decade away from fully operational printer

SCIENTISTS will soon develop a home copying machine that is not an absolute pain in the arse, it has been claimed.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “If printer design continues to advance at the current rate, it’s likely we’ll see a machine that isn’t fundamentally incompatible with plain white A4 paper by the year 2029.

“Then we’re just a few years away from something that isn’t a shit-sucking bastard fucker with the sheer brass balls to describe itself as a printer.”

He added: “One leading manufacturer already has a prototype machine, the MasterPrint500, that can successfully print documents of up to 12 pages only 11 of which look like they’ve been vomited by a child.

“You should see it. Paper goes in plain, paper comes out printed, with only slightly less than 9% reliability. It only needs to become a bit more than 11 times as good and that’s us totally sorted for printing.”

Stephen Malley, managing director of MasterPrint, said: “It will even accept normal non-printer paper that hasn’t been through the special printerisation process that makes it printerified.

“And instead of having its ‘drivers’ on multiple CDs that disappear into the realm of fairies two hours after you first open the box, you can just plug the thing into a computer and it works.”

He said: “Of course, one week after this printer is released we will discontinue its ink cartridges.

“No-one will know why.”