Tuesday, 11th May 2021

How is Trump planning to be a dick in the UK?

IT’S rare for Donald Trump to go anywhere without being a dick in some way, so what has he got planned for his stay in Britain? Here is his ‘being a dick’ itinerary.

Day 1

Meeting with Theresa May Topics to include security, the Middle East and UK-US trade. Trump will take an old copy of Hustler and his only contribution will be to show people porn stars he banged in the 1980s.

Crazy announcement out of the blue Completely contrary to the spirit of cooperation, Trump will suddenly announce some horrifically anti-UK policy like demanding his new bud Kim Jong-un is allowed to use Kent as a ‘missile testing zone’.

Completely incomprehensible speech Sample: “England, America, yeah. I was at a cocktail party in Manhattan. Great, great party. Franny Humpenfinkel was there. Owns 22 stud farms. Bigly good guy. But the point is - Hillary is a liar. A liar and a murderer. That’s it. No more questions.”

Day 2

Meet with senior UK politicians and diplomats and blank them Trump to sit there rudely ignoring everyone like a vile, petulant child. He will also spend most of his time tweeting rubbish like “US border control tell me they got dogs can sniff out RAPISTS!!! America comin for ya, Sanchez the rapist!!!”.

Feeble attempt to laugh off protesters After a huge blimp with the words ‘DONALD IS A THICK FASCIST SCUMBAG AND SHIT AT BUSINESS, ACTUALLY’ on the side drifts over London, Trump claims he could “kick those guys’ asses”, despite being 72 and terrified of his hair falling off.

Romantic time with Melania Finally a chance for the couple to relax and watch some TV in hotel rooms 150 metres apart.

Day 3

Golf in Scotland Harmless photo opportunity and quite jolly until Trump goes off on a tangent and threatens to nuke Belgium, for reasons known only unto himself.

Departure Spontaneous parties break out in the streets of Britain as Trump flies off to be a dick elsewhere.