Five excellent Friday timewasting tips

IT’S the last day of a gruelling week and you’re not doing any work as a point of principle, but the day is crawling by. Try these timewasting tips to make the day go faster.

Get into an argument

It can be a colleague, it can be a client, or if nobody’s taking the bait in real life find some twat on the internet. Either way the initial row followed by hours of brooding about it and trying to get indifferent colleagues to back you up will mean it’s 5pm before you know it!

Go to see HR

You can make an appointment with HR at any time without specifying why, and they have to listen to whatever you tell them but they’re not allowed to tell anyone else. Get in there and make up some rumours about colleagues, or just have a good moan about Game of Thrones.

Write up everybody’s action points

Two months ago you were arbitrarily put in charge of taking notes at a meeting, including everyone’s action points. Nobody expected you to actually do it, so this afternoon send all attendees a detailed list of actions they promised to undertake but haven’t. Copy the boss in.

Have sexual fantasies about any colleagues you haven’t ‘done’ yet

Methodically go through all your colleagues you haven’t fantasised about yet and try to imagine an erotic scenario. As you’ve already done the attractive ones this will be quite a challenge and will fill the whole day.

Spend a few hours buying tickets online

As everyone knows, you don’t have to do any work if you’re buying tickets online. It’s just an unwritten office rule. If there’s no one you particularly want to see just have a massive browse. If you accidentally buy tickets for the Spice Girls, you can always just put them in the bin.

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Weather forecasters warn of high risk of dickheads this weekend

EXPERTS are urging the public to take care during this weekend’s hot weather due to a sharp rise in dickheads.

With temperatures set to reach 26 degrees, the Met Office has issued an official warning to alert people to the risk of wankered daytime drinkers, tubby tattooed men without shirts and other hazards.

Meteorologist Norman Steele said: “The hot weather is guaranteed to bring out every boozy, lobster-faced cretin, 42-year-old skateboarder and twat with a frisbee.

“Try to avoid beaches as they will rammed with shrieking Lambrini drinkers. Also avoid public fountains unless you want to see tiresome exhibitionists predictably dancing in them.

“Our advice is to stay indoors and under no circumstances go to your local park, as the yobs will be out in force. Also avoid roads, as they will be full of drivers who genuinely believe you’re impressed by shit techno.

“If you absolutely must go outside, wait for the weather to improve with some rain. A light shower makes dickheads rush indoors screaming, for some reason.”

Although dickhead levels will be high, it is not thought they will reach last year’s record-breaking spell of drunken sunburn victims and idiots jumping off cliffs.