The latest cute phrases that will make you want to puke

AFTER the success of ‘sleeps’ and ‘holibobs’, the world’s idiots have decided more twee words and phrases are needed. Here are the latest ones.

‘Cakey cakey nom noms’: cakes

If you’re the sort of person who is unnaturally interested in cakes – and finds them somehow excitingly forbidden – you will feel no shame in saying, “Anyone fancy some cakey cakey nom noms?”

‘Topperooni’: good, excellent

Can be used in any situation, so long as you’re a twat, eg. “I did 250 bench presses today.” “Topperooni, mate. I did some good work on my abs with the kettlebells.”

‘Naughty time’: sex

Perfect for the Mumsnet generation who love this sort of twee shit. Expect them soon to be excitedly typing: “DD and DS @ sleepovers so LOTS of naughty time with DH!!!” “Need sum naughty time too, hunz!!!”

‘Binkitrimbo’: bank holiday

Just for consistency it’s good to have a nauseating term for bank holidays as well as holidays in general, except that anyone who says “Josh and I are just going to chillax on the binkitrimbo” clearly needs to be shot.

‘Deathibobs’: dying/being dead

Society’s inexplicable love of twee phrases means that in a few years’ time it will be normal to attend a funeral where the vicar says: “We are here today to mourn the deathibobs of George Alfred Jackson…”

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Have you got a totally lame addiction?

IT’S currently normal to claim you’ve got an addiction when really it’s just something you like doing. See if you are suffering from any of these bullshit addictions.

Social media addiction

A tragic addiction, in the sense that you’re constantly refreshing Facebook to see if you’ve got ‘likes’ for your tedious holiday photos. Friends and family will ‘like’ them anyway, even if they hate your pictures and you.

High-quality drama addiction

Who wouldn’t want to see ‘just one more’ episode of the latest hit Netflix show? However the worst outcome of this ‘addiction’ will be staying up till 3am and feeling really tired in the morning, not cooking up some heroin and planning a busy day of shoplifting.

Caffeine addiction

Favoured by square people, this is probably the shittest pretend addiction ever. If you can say without irony that you “just can’t function without a double espresso” you should have your arms and legs chopped off to give you a sense of perspective.

Mirror addiction  

It’s easy to get hooked on finding out if your hair looks any different from 30 seconds ago. However this addiction can be cured without months of rehab by realising you basically look the same even after you’ve paid £120 for a haircut.

Attention-seeking addiction

A genuine addiction that involves sucking people into stupid melodramas and problems, according to psychologists. However a radical new therapy is available, known as ‘Just ignore them’.