Five Mother's Day presents that say 'I'm sorry I destroyed your pelvic floor'

LOVE your mum? Conscious that your birth ravaged her and left her incontinent? Here are five gifts that say ‘Thanks, also sorry’.

Flowers

You often send people flowers when they’ve been through something rough, and eighteen hours of labour sounds rough even if it was a few decades ago. Whatever you do, don’t get her a plant. The last thing she needs is another needy parasite to look after.

Chocolate

Science has shown that dark chocolate may reduce stress levels, and what’s more stressful than bringing new life into the world? She’s still feeling stressed by you now, all these years on, so consider a kilo or two. Or hard drugs if you’ve got access to those.

A ‘World’s Best Mum’ mug

When you were younger you might have thought declaring your mum the world’s best was cringeworthy and hyperbolic. But after finding out what having a child actually entails, eg haemorroids, you’ll be pleased to hand over a tenner on something that celebrates her achievement.

Bottle of wine

Even if the trauma of tearing her perineum hasn’t quite left her, a bottle of Shiraz might help your mum to forget the mental and physical agony she went through. Make sure it’s a decent bottle and not the cheapest one from the bottom shelf. After you and your siblings, she doesn’t need any more disappointments.

A bumper pack of Tena Lady

Look, let’s be practical here. It’s said you should always buy people something they wouldn’t buy themselves, but that’s a load of bollocks. A safe bet when it comes to Mother’s Day is to get her something she definitely needs, and if that’s adult nappies, then fine. If you feel embarrassed, just remember — this is all your fault.

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Mum treated to horrible breakfast, shit card and cleaning up the kitchen

A MOTHER-OF-TWO has awoken to the relaxing sound of her children being shouted at to make Mother’s Day cards while buggering up her breakfast. 

Joanna Kramer surfaced from unconsciousness to the sound of her husband bollocking her six-year-old son for refusing to make a card, then turning around to bollock her eight-year-old daughter for dropping an egg on the floor.

Husband Simon was overheard saying: “Alright then draw Pokemon on the card if that’s the only way to get you to do it, just hurry the f– Just hurry up. This is a surprise for Mummy!

“Jesus Christ, I said not to touch the eggs. I said wait for me. Okay, give me the eggs. I’m not shouting at you, just give me the eggs. GIVE ME THE BLOODY EGGS!

“Stop crying. Come on, this is meant to be nice. You can carry the tray if you promise to be careful with it. Running with it is not being careful with it.”

The family then burst in through the bedroom door shouting: “Surprise!”

Joanna said: “How lovely. You know what would be a real treat for Mummy? If you’d let me f**king rest.”