Five times you don't have to hold hands, you loved-up twats

WE get it, you’re in love and want to hold hands – but do you have to block the pavements with your affection? Here are some situations where you should definitely desist.

Every time you walk down the street

You’re a couple, not conjoined twins. By holding hands so persistently, you’re creating an annoying obstacle and stopping other people getting on with their lives. They might need to get to a place called ‘work’ or even a date so that they can be as nauseatingly loved-up as you. 

On the Tube

Snuggling on the Tube is particularly verboten. As well as your hand-holding you’re probably kissing and cuddling, and you’re so close to other people you may as well be doing it to them too. Did you ask for their consent? No. Try not touching each other for the whole two minutes until your stop. 

The supermarket

Please don’t hold hands or link little fingers so you collectively have the wingspan of the entire deli counter. We already know that after your shop you’re going to devour a lovingly-crafted pancake stack before having passionate sex. It’s really not fair on the rest of us buying value toilet cleaner and ready meals for one.

When you feel like frolicking in public

In public spaces, do not do that thing where you hold hands and then stretch apart from each other as far as possible as if it’s a playground game. Maybe try weaning yourself off constantly holding hands in the privacy of your own home, or just stop being horrible show-offs.

In front of a single friend

You’ve finally bothered to invite a single friend out for a drink, as if they’re human too. Try building on that by occasionally interacting with them instead of incessantly touching your partner. Your loved one isn’t some sort of human Tamagotchi who will die if they don’t get a certain number of strokes per minute.

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Six weeks and you can start impregnating again, Boris told

BORIS Johnson has been advised to rein in his urge to impregnate women until the general election is over.

The prime minister has been instructed to get the election ‘over the line’ in December, at which point he can drop his trousers again to his heart’s content.

A Downing Street source, who is obviously Dominic Cummings, said: “We’re asking Boris to make the supreme sacrifice and curb his bonking. It’s going to be a Herculean effort.

“He’s been champing at the bit, dying to get it done with whoever catches his fancy but so far we’ve been able to keep him in check, not least by chaining him up between the hours of 8pm and 8am.

“We’ve also been throwing cold buckets of water over him every 15 minutes, which accounts for him looking more dishevelled than usual.”

The source said the Tory election campaign was being planned to avoid any impregnation incidents, for example by not making visits to hospitals where there might be sexy nurses.

He added: “Once the election’s in the bag, Boris can get on with what he was put on this earth to do. Sleep with women briefly taken in by his superficial charm, and play at being prime minister for a bit.”