WE get it, you’re in love and want to hold hands – but do you have to block the pavements with your affection? Here are some situations where you should definitely desist.
Every time you walk down the street
You’re a couple, not conjoined twins. By holding hands so persistently, you’re creating an annoying obstacle and stopping other people getting on with their lives. They might need to get to a place called ‘work’ or even a date so that they can be as nauseatingly loved-up as you.
On the Tube
Snuggling on the Tube is particularly verboten. As well as your hand-holding you’re probably kissing and cuddling, and you’re so close to other people you may as well be doing it to them too. Did you ask for their consent? No. Try not touching each other for the whole two minutes until your stop.
Please don’t hold hands or link little fingers so you collectively have the wingspan of the entire deli counter. We already know that after your shop you’re going to devour a lovingly-crafted pancake stack before having passionate sex. It’s really not fair on the rest of us buying value toilet cleaner and ready meals for one.
When you feel like frolicking in public
In public spaces, do not do that thing where you hold hands and then stretch apart from each other as far as possible as if it’s a playground game. Maybe try weaning yourself off constantly holding hands in the privacy of your own home, or just stop being horrible show-offs.
In front of a single friend
You’ve finally bothered to invite a single friend out for a drink, as if they’re human too. Try building on that by occasionally interacting with them instead of incessantly touching your partner. Your loved one isn’t some sort of human Tamagotchi who will die if they don’t get a certain number of strokes per minute.