Giddy, lovestruck online dater working up courage to send photo of his penis

A HOPELESSLY lovestruck online dater is trying to work up the courage to ask his crush if she would like to receive a photo of his dick. 

Nathan Muir, aged 28, has been exchanging messages with 24-year-old Nikki Hollis for weeks, feels like they could be soulmates, and thinks the time is right to take their relationship to the next level with a shot of his erect member.

He said: “Nikki’s incredible. She’s smart, funny, totally gets my references to Kasabian and the DC cinematic universe, so I think she’d love a JPEG of my cock.

“I’ve been agonising about the best intro line. I’ve settled on the semi-ironic ‘Roses are red, violets are blue, DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY DICK?’

“I’ve put a sepia filter and a smoothing package on it to compensate for the two-dimensionality of it. I mean I’m a classy dude, not some creep.

“I think she’ll really like it. Pretty sure it’s what girls are looking for these days.”

Meanwhile, Hollis revealed plans to ask Muir if he would like to see a picture of her pet cat, a suggestion which he will massively misinterpret.

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'Basically' confirmed as the new 'literally'

BASICALLY is this year’s top superfluous word, it has been confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found that increasing self-consciousness about saying ‘literally’ around grammar pedants had triggered a thousand-fold increase in the use of ‘basically’ as verbal padding.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Basically could be even bigger than literally, it’s a highly versatile term that’s perfect for when it’s not enough to say a thing, but you also want to say that you’re going to say it.”

Dr Stephen Malley said: “Patients nowadays feel insecure unless I use basically at the beginning of sentences.

“For example if I say ‘We need to amputate your hand’, they look at me blankly because that isn’t basic enough.

“However if I say ‘Basically we need to amputate your hand’ they nod furiously.”