YOUR girlfriend has explained that she would like to see other people, reveal all your sexual secrets to the world, and see you die alone and unloved.
The announcement, which came basically out of nowhere, has seen you frantically begging friends for reassurance it will all be okay while they confirm that it will not be.
Your girlfriend said: “I just want to have new experiences, you know? All I ask is to see other people and to savagely slag you off behind your back in every intimate, explicit detail. It’s not a big deal.
“I just think I’m too young to be making a lifelong commitment to someone I despise so much. It’s not you. It’s everything about you that I want to see destroyed.
“I really hope you move on with your life before dying in shameful circumstances while I laugh maniacally, with my new partner who will be better than you.”
A mutual friend said: “You shouldn’t take it personally. It’s just that the woman you were willing to die for is now convinced that you are a despicable and worthless human being, and if I’m honest I agree.”