Girlfriend wants to see other people, tell everyone you're bad in bed, and see you die a horrible death

YOUR girlfriend has explained that she would like to see other people, reveal all your sexual secrets to the world, and see you die alone and unloved. 

The announcement, which came basically out of nowhere, has seen you frantically begging friends for reassurance it will all be okay while they confirm that it will not be.

Your girlfriend said: “I just want to have new experiences, you know? All I ask is to see other people and to savagely slag you off behind your back in every intimate, explicit detail. It’s not a big deal.

“I just think I’m too young to be making a lifelong commitment to someone I despise so much. It’s not you. It’s everything about you that I want to see destroyed.

“I really hope you move on with your life before dying in shameful circumstances while I laugh maniacally, with my new partner who will be better than you.”

A mutual friend said: “You shouldn’t take it personally. It’s just that the woman you were willing to die for is now convinced that you are a despicable and worthless human being, and if I’m honest I agree.”

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Woman quits being vegan after seagull steals her chips

A WOMAN has ended five months as a vegan after a seagull swooped down and stole her chips, she has confirmed. 

Emma Bradford has been eating a plant-based diet since the end of May but has returned to eating meat after a visit to Brighton where the seagulls failed to recognise her commitment.

She said: “After what I’ve done for them, it’s just insolent.

“And it kind of made me realise I don’t even like animals that much. Dogs bark at me, I’ve got dozens of scars from my cat, I got chased by a cow once, and now a seagull steals my chips.

“If it had happened to my friend James, who’s only a vegetarian, I would’ve understood. Though even then it would only have been just if there weren’t any carnivores around.

“But after this, it seems to me that being vegan wrongly tolerates bad behaviour from animals that don’t meet our ethical standards.”

She added: “Obviously I’m not going to start eating seagulls. But I do think we should try to put more plastics into their food chain.”