Has something changed between us? By a pack of 20 Marlboro

YES, I’ve gone up to £14.73, but something else has changed. We used to be so happy together – practically inseparable. Now you’re so distant, and I can’t understand why.

We were always doing things together, mainly smoking, but nothing was too much trouble for you. You’d go to the garage any time – in the pouring rain, in the middle of the night – if you ran out of me. Now it’s like you’re trying to avoid me.

You looked so cool puffing away, like Alain Delon, and I was happy to go along with that ludicrous delusion. You didn’t even mind coughing up gobbets of disgusting yellow phlegm every morning. I thought that was ‘our thing’. 

Sure, we had our ups and downs, but all couples do. Like when you went off with that little slag of a Nicorette inhaler. She wasn’t even that good-looking. But we came through it. I’ll never forget how happy you were to have a real fag again.

So please, tell me what’s changed. You haven’t smoked at all today, but I’m the same 10.9mg of nicotine. I’m still slim and attractive – I haven’t let myself go like a saggy roll-up leaving strands of tobacco wherever you were sitting.

Is it the cancer? I know a lot of smokers don’t like the idea of a slow, painful death, but that’s out of my hands. You’ve got to look at the big picture – without me looking after you, you could easily put on weight. And what about fag breaks? 

I’m only saying this because I care, but I think you’re going through a phase where you’re worried about getting older, what you’ve achieved in life, if you look like a chav because they’re the only sad bastards who smoke these days. 

Please let’s go back to the way things were. I really fancy standing in the pissing rain outside a pub turning your teeth yellow. Come on, let’s do it now. Go on. Ah, you’ve seen sense and you’re getting your jacket and your lighter. I love you.

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'Cuck' and other phrases that show your boyfriend's spending too much time on Reddit

HAS your boyfriend started talking oddly after spending too long on Reddit talking to male arseholes? If he uses these terms, it may be time for a relationship rethink.


In manosphere parlance, calling someone a ‘cuck’ means you think they’re weak, unmanly and dominated by their female partner. It also signifies that the speaker is an almighty bellend who’s been having faux-macho chats with other twats online, and should be dumped immediately.


This phrase is hugely popular with Andrew Tate and his obsessive acolytes, and describes a set of beliefs that shape how you make sense of the world. Given that the Top G has now been in prison for several months accused of sex offences, your boyfriend will hopefully have seen the error of his ways and stopped using it to describe his approach to working on the tills at Aldi.


Simping means trying too hard to please someone, especially in a romantic relationship. If your boyfriend looks up from his phone and says ‘No chance, I don’t simp for anyone’ when you ask him to put a wash on for once in his f**king life, ditch him immediately so he can spend all his time with his true love: discussing the symbolism of The Matrix with incels.

On my grind

Being ‘on your grind’ means working hard and hustling constantly, usually in the pursuit of ridiculous aspirational status symbols like flash cars or ugly watches. However, given that your boyfriend is a content marketer trying to save up for a Renault Twingo, he just sounds like an almighty dickhead and should be treated as such.

Soy boy

Calling another man a soy boy is meant to imply they’re an effeminate weakling with a penchant for alternative milk products. Unfortunately your boyfriend is overweight, pale and can’t walk up the stairs without getting out of breath because he spends all day sitting at a computer, so he’s not the epitome of hypermasculinity either.