Banksy rightly demolished

THE latest Banksy has been demolished, as all Banksys should be and will be from now on.

On learning that a new Banksy piece had been painted on the side of a derelict farmhouse in Herne Bay, Kent, authorities acted swiftly by destroying it and the building it stands on within 72 hours.

A spokesman for Kent County Council said: “No Banksys within our borders. That’s a promise.

“Whether it’s on the side of a convenience store or Canterbury Cathedral, if there’s even a hint of satirical stencilled graffiti making a fairly obvious point about society, our demolition teams will swing into action and down it goes.”

Arts Council head Darren Henley said: “Zero tolerance for Banksys. We’re getting rid of anything that even looks like a Banksy. Half of Shoreditch and most of Bristol will be rubble by the end of the day.

“He should be into it, given the greatest thing he ever did was destroy one of his own pictures. Because it’s all a load of old shit.”

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Jeremy Hunt makes his move on the nation's MILFs

JEREMY Hunt’s offer of free childcare is actually a ploy to shag every sexy mum in the UK, it has emerged.

The support for mothers facing exorbitant child minder costs is intended to make the chancellor, who looks like an abnormally tall rodent, incredibly sexually attractive.

Hunt said: “The hot mums will come flocking. Treasury research shows there are millions of them stuck at home with annoying kids so I’ll be only too glad to show them my big package. Of childcare measures.

“Once the MILFs and yummy mummies turn up at 11 Downing Street, moist with gratitude, I’ll suggest discussing the shortage of affordable child minders in the UK in the bedroom over a glass of champagne. I’m going to be up to my neck in experienced muff. 

“I’ll be banging them and sending them on their way quicker than Tom Jones. I don’t know how I’ll find time to run the economy and stop it shrinking. So no change there.” 

Mother-of-three Carolyn Ryan said: “I’d barely noticed Hunt before. He sort of merges into the background like smug mist, but this new policy is a real turn-on for me.

“I’ve been fantasising that Jeremy and I are Dutch, with well-funded childcare and easy access to shared parental leave. Then we explore each other’s nether regions sensuously at our leisure with my four-year-old Oscar thankfully somewhere else.”

Father-of-two Tom Logan said: “I’d do anything to get my wife going like Jeremy has. Apart from look after the kids for the day. Being cuckolded by Hunt is preferable to that f**king nightmare.”