Have you just moved in with an annoying bastard?

YOU’VE moved into a new place with someone. Are you getting along, or are they irritating the living shit out of you? Take our test:

Is the bathroom always occupied?

A) No. The other person is very respectful to my needs.

B) Yes, always. Every time I want to use it they’re in there, or it needs to be left fallow due to the rancid after-stench.

Is the house noisy?

A) Not really. There are just the comforting sounds of someone quietly going about their daily life.

B) Bloody hell, yes. The TV, the stomping around, when they do anything at all in the kitchen. And is it really necessary to say ‘burp’ when burping?

Do they always have an annoying contrary opinion?

A) Not often. There’s agreement without question on most things and we have a harmonious household.

B) Yes, always. From the temperature on the thermostat to the brand of washing up liquid, they want to argue about every tiny detail. 

Can you always tell where they’ve been?

A) Not really. I may find Post-It notes saying to remember to buy bread – cute, efficient stuff like that.

B) Yes. By their body shape in the sofa and cushions, by the toast crumbs strewn across every surface of the kitchen, by the remote that I can never find, by the endless damp washing hung on the radiators. They haunt me like a slovenly ghost.

Are they able to carry out practical household tasks?

A)  They can change a lightbulb and know where the stopcock is, which is good enough for me.

B) They tried to wash a duvet in the household washing machine, which caused both a flood and a fire. So, no.


Mostly As: You’ve moved in with an intelligent and pleasant human being, which is a rare find. If they aren’t already your partner you should marry them immediately.

Mostly Bs: You’ve moved in with a f**king annoying bellend who will make your home life hell. Unfortunately you need them to pay half the rent, so you’re stuck with them.

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Partner always in front of every f**king kitchen drawer man needs to get into

A WOMAN is always standing directly in front of whatever kitchen drawer her partner needs to open.  

When Martin Bishop is cooking a meal, his girlfriend Emma Bradshaw manages to block every place he needs to get into, wherever it is in the kitchen.

Oliver said: “I don’t know how she does it, but every utensil, pan or plate I need is in the drawer or cupboard she is standing right in front of.

“I’m trying to cook a meal for six people and she’s there leisurely sipping a glass of wine, chatting shit and getting in my f**king way. I can’t even open the oven without having to ask her to shift her arse.

“I am not sure how a five-foot two woman can take up so much space but when I’m cooking, she seems to be everywhere. She then has the cheek to ask if she can do anything to help. Yes, kindly piss off out of the kitchen.”

Emma Bradshaw said: “Martin seems to think I do it on purpose. I don’t, but the irritation it causes him does keep me entertained while he’s fannying around like a budget Jamie Oliver.”