Retired mum yet to find hobby as fulfilling as pestering her children

DESPITE having time to pursue a range of interests, a retired mum has decided what she really enjoys is badgering her grown-up children.

Margaret Gerving considered taking up traditional retirement activities such as gardening and buying a f**k off massive camper van but found that they were not as fun as ringing up her daughter and asking her about pointless shit.

Margaret said: “It’s been a wonderful hobby to get into. Yesterday, I spent more than an hour getting her to look up an obscure relative of mine to see if they were on Facebook and then called back ten minutes later to tell her about a bird I saw on the patio.

“I’ll ring her several times tomorrow as well, just to talk about inane bollocks. I might even go round to her house and criticise the cleanliness of her kitchen, even though she’s juggling full-time work and raising two kids. Tremendous fun.”

Her daughter Helen Gerving said: “I wish she would sod off and find something else to do. And then I remember the huge inheritance coming my way and magically manage to find another sliver of patience from somewhere.”

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15 things being asked on Quora that prove humanity is doomed

DO you sometimes browse Q&A sites like Quora and wikiHow? And then wonder if humanity has gone mad? Here’s a sample of the most troubling questions.

How do I successfully date a woman? 

Because six cliched tips on wikiHow are right for all females and situations. Flowers and date nights. That’s about it.

Is ET based on a true story? 

Yes, there really was an alien helped by a boy called Elliott. It’s all there in the news archives, history books and scientific journals.

How do I stop myself becoming a ghost? 

You might have noticed a big assumption here, ie. that ghosts exist. And that there are well-known practical methods of controlling supernatural forces, like setting your boiler pressure.

What is bread made from? 

Lack the most basic life knowledge? Ask other f**kwits on Quora who’ll confidently reply: ‘Oil, flavourings and chalk.’

Are we living in the Matrix? 

Or: ‘Dude, I saw The Matrix while doing a righteous bong and it blew my mind’. This okay sci-fi film is the most profound idea in human history for the morons on Quora.

Where can I learn more about conspiracies? 

Not in the academic/sociological sense, but ‘Was 9/11 an inside job by NASA?’ You definitely need to learn more stuff like that.

How do I build a helicopter? 

If you’ve got an ambitious and potentially lethal project like this in mind, the only answer should be ‘For f**k’s sake, don’t’.

Is the [insert piece of military hardware here] a piece of shit? 

What’s worrying here is the sheer volume of opinionated yet pointless and clueless debate about weapons the weirdos on the site will never use in real life. Hopefully.

Does free will exist? 

Sometimes there’s a valid philosophical question, but the answers will be flooded with inane religious platitudes, eg. ‘Yes! You have the free will to accept Jesus into your heart!’

Do dreamcatchers work? 

With no basis in science, evidence or common sense, you can hazard a guess at ‘no’. One of the many questions that screams ‘You don’t need a Q&A forum to find this out’.

Are dogs psychic? 

An anonymous person responding ‘My French bulldog knows when my husband is coming home’ is conclusive proof of telepathy by Quora’s rigorous standards.

Is France a country?

One of countless questions that are just baffling. See also: ‘Can I eat cheese with meat?’ and ‘Does David Blaine use real magic?’

How do I tell if I’m tall? 

An actual question, and one that can adequately be answered by asking ‘Am I tall?’

What sort of crystal should I buy? 

Any New Age query will get entirely serious, even knowledgeable-sounding answers, as if the whole belief system isn’t just arbitrary, eg. ‘Obsidian will prevent feelings of negativity.’

How do I summon a demon? 

Your extreme gullibility is matched only by your extreme stupidity, since no (fictional) attempt to summon pure evil has ever ended well.