'Have you tried shaking it?' 12 phrases that really won't help with your erectile dysfunction

STRUGGLING to maintain an erection? These well-meant but ill-chosen lines will not help: 

‘Shake a bit of blood into it’ 

A kind offer, but all you can think of now is your cock being likened to a half-empty bottle of Heinz ketchup.

‘Let’s try again in a bit’ 

As if there wasn’t enough pressure already, now there’s a deadline being set? Ten minutes until repeating the humiliation of having tackle as lifeless as filleted mackerel.

‘Come on, little fella’ 

Switching to a first-person approach? Acutely embarrassing and destined for failure. It can’t talk back. All the life’s long since drained out of it.

‘Ooh la la, ze gentleman is shy’ 

She’s making an effort but is from Birmingham not Bordeaux, and the accent is giving you ‘Allo ‘Allo vibes. L’incapacite.

‘Have you tried those pills off the telly?’ 

Even if you have a stash you can’t get them out now, admitting defeat, the SAS alpha male of Numan.com laughing at you in your head.

‘Is it me?’ 

Does it look like it’s you? Is it your dick like a slug on a rock? Do I need a massive guilt trip right now?

‘Do you want to try watching porn?’ 

Yeah, voyeuristically viewing a sexual leviathan humping multiple women isn’t likely to multiply feelings of inadequacy at all, is it?

‘Has it ever happened before?’ 

How is recollecting past sexual failure going to do anything but cause your penis to retract back into your abdomen with shame?

‘How much have you had to drink?’

Nothing, that’s what’s horrifying. It must be the cumulative effect of all those pints that rendered you a eunuch for life.

‘Perhaps you should talk to someone’ 

The thought of explaining your trouser rifle has a floppy barrel is not aiding stiffness. A fantasy of a lady doctor pissing herself about your inadequacies with her mates down the pub has materialised, full-blown.

‘It’s nearly a semi now’

She’s worked bloody hard to get this useless knob at half-mast. Her jaw aches, her hand aches, and it’s already fading away.

‘Let’s just cuddle’ 

Your ordeal is over. Your relationship – not with her, the important one with your penis – will never recover. How could he let you down like this? Duplicitous one-eyed bastard.

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Infinite number of Facebook users will eventually find perfect Israel-Palestine solution

AN infinite number of Facebook users writing an infinite number of statuses will eventually stumble upon the solution to the Israel-Palestine conflict.

The laws of probability predict the endless stream of opinions about the situation have a non-zero chance of randomly finding a watertight resolution that leaves both sides happy.

Data analyst Norman Steele said: “This isn’t just a thought experiment. It’s happening right now on your feed, no matter how much you wish it wasn’t.

“It will take time before the perfect solution is hit on; time and typing and ignorance. But we have ample supplies of each.

“Eventually everything from settlements in the occupied West Bank to jurisdiction of the Dome on the Rock will be neatly solved in a post from a 62-year-old grandfather in Peterborough. Perhaps with a few emojis thrown in.

“The status we’re looking for could come from any account on any page. Your dad might have posted it in his street’s Neighbourhood Watch group this morning. Your mum might have posted it in LinkedIn. Check all of them hourly.

“Failing that, keep churning out your own ideas. You might only have a vague grasp of what’s happening, but yours could be the status that wins the Nobel Peace Prize.”