How bad your friend's break-up was, measured by her new haircut

THEY split last week. You’re meeting her for lunch after she’s visited the hairdressers. The haircut she gets determines how much of a bastard you need to say he was: 

Slight trim: an amicable split

This woman did the dumping and is absolutely fine about it. She’s about as committed to her image change as she was to the relationship. She’s sipping iced lattes and scrolling Tinder while her ex is getting hopelessly hammered and shaving his head, including eyebrows.

Highlights and layers: parting is such sweet sorrow

There’s optimism in this break-up, perhaps because she’s already sexting someone way hotter, so it’s a change for the better. In both the mirror and the relationship she’s able to see the highlights, toss her locks while pouting, and move on. Your role as friend is to take a load of shots for the Instagram she knows he still looks at daily.

Cut short: it hurts

Gone from long to shoulder-length? Order two bottles of the Grigio and cancel your evening plans, because this one f**king hurt. Her hair, her dreams, her love and her future have been cut short and she is getting through Kleenex quicker than a teenage boy. As her friend, you must support her, even though she looks like Lord Farquhar from Shrek.

Dramatic colour change: out for blood

Gone from blonde to black? Or fiery red? Or cobalt blue? This bitch is out for blood. The relationship is over and the revenge is on. It is your duty to work up a towering hatred for her ex, even though he seemed quite nice and you know full well she cheated on him. She has at least 100 screenshots. You must stop her using them.

Pixie cut: she is done with all men

The pixie cut, which works on around five per cent of women, means that she never wants to see a penis again. The words scumbag, wanker, dickhead, prick, arsehole, bastard and petulant f**king child are on a constant cycle. A print-out of his face was attached to a dartboard and the dartboard was set on fire. Will go home with a waiter.

Shaved: she’s killed him

Eerily calm, sipping water, claiming to be totally over it while bald as 2007-era Britney, suggesting you two ‘go and do something fun together outdoors’? His body is in the boot of her Yaris. Make your excuses and leave, or help her dispose of it if you’re up for a real bonding experience.

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We ask you: how will football's new blue cards unfairly punish your club?

FOOTBALL is considering the introduction of blue cards but has yet to decide how they should work; the FA just really likes the colour. How would you use them? 

Roy Hobbs, church warden: “They should be put in a sin bin – a metal container 15ft high containing the personification of all their sins ie adultery, coveteousness, pride. They’re not allowed back on the pitch until they’ve defeated them and climbed out. It’s a metaphor.”

Lucy Parry, choreographer: “If they’re sent off for being too worked up, make them watch kittens or puffins gently gamboling until their blood pressure drops.”

Steve Malley, graphic designer: “Blue is actually a very calming colour in itself, so players should stare at that until they feel relaxed. Might take ten minutes or so but it’ll still be quicker than VAR.”

Wayne Hayes, caretaker: “Three colours is halfway to the gay rainbow. Why must they shove it down our throats?”

Norman Steele, pensioner: “About bloody time. It’s bias against Chelsea there hasn’t been blue before. No wonder it’s always Liverpool and United winning the league. And Norwich.”