How the nice restaurant you booked will completely ruin your wedding anniversary

LOOKING forward to a romantic dinner celebrating your relationship? Here’s how the fancy restaurant you chose will destroy your special night.

Overly attentive staff

By specifying that it’s your anniversary, you will be the target of tip-hungry waiting staff before you’ve even sat down. They’ll make you taste the wine before pouring, as if you’re an experienced sommelier and not someone who just buys the bottle with the prettiest label, and pop up every three minutes to check if everything is ok with your meal. You’ll want to tell them to piss off but that would ruin the romantic ambience.

The overpriced menu

You thought taking your partner somewhere fancy would be a lovely treat but they’re appalled at the prices and would rather you put the money towards a new boiler. You end up ordering a starter and a small glass of wine each and then spend the rest of the meal cowering from the disdainful glares of the maitre d’ each time he passes your table.

The musicians

A live jazz band will be fun, you thought, but actually they are parping and tinkling away so loudly that you and your partner can’t keep up a conversation. You end up sat together in miserable silence as the drummer does an epic avant garde free jazz solo and then are expected to clap politely like he hasn’t just stolen ten minutes of your one precious life on this earth.

The dress code

You’re not usually one for smart dress but jeans and trainers aren’t going to cut it in the place you’ve booked. Instead, you and your partner squeeze into outfits you last wore to a wedding four years ago and spend the evening feeling fat, uncomfortable and paranoid that you’re about to spill tomato bouillabaisse all down the only nice item of clothing that you own.

Other diners

However much you and your partner genuinely adore each other, you always feel like the couple canoodling at the next table are doing a better job of showing their affection. However, watching them stick their fingers in each other’s dinner and then each other’s mouths makes you happy that you’re leaving with each other.

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Man’s romantic playlist creates unrealistic expectations for quality of sex he can provide

A HUSBAND’S playlist of erotic mood music promised far more than he was able to deliver, it has emerged.

After including songs from artists such as Barry White, Kendrick Lamar and Donna Summer on a playlist called ‘SHAGGING’, Nathan Muir’s wife confirmed he had set the bar too high for what he was capable of in bed.

Nikki Muir said: “God loves a trier, and Nathan always does his best, but did he really think he had the moves to compete with ‘Gett Off’’? Prince’s voice got me going way more than Nath’s clumsy attempts at talking dirty.

“Things improved a little with ‘Push It’ by Salt-N-Pepa, as it brought a bit of levity to the situation, which was necessary after his embarrassing effort at looking intense and smouldering during Sade’s ‘The Sweetest Taboo’.

“But then he started mumbling along to ‘Justify My Love’. Madonna is excellent at that kind of low, seductive murmuring, whereas Nathan just sounds like he’s trying to recall a shopping list in Tesco.

“And as for putting ‘WAP’ by Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion on there, well, that was just stupid. I enjoyed it but Nathan was so intimidated by them that he immediately lost his erection and we had to go downstairs and watch Emmerdale instead.”