How to ensure your romantic break is an absolute f**king disaster

PLANNING a romantic break with your beloved? Follow these tips and you’ll be lucky to make it home alive, let alone in love.

Make plans

Before you even set off, make sure you’ve stored up a list of unachievable goals in your head. Whether it’s having sex five times a day, visiting every single museum in a 50-mile radius, or simply enjoying each other’s company, the key thing is that they are unrealistic. You’ll be in the mood to re-evaluate your feelings for each other in no time.

Refuse to compromise

Your partner wants to laze around in bed until noon, you want to be up at dawn marching around a castle. Your partner wants to communicate using mispronounced local phrases from the guidebook, you prefer to shout loudly in English. You’ll waste your holiday seething at each other but, whatever clashes you encounter, the important thing is that you never back down.

Be ambitious

Being overly ambitious in pursuit of the perfect romantic memory is a surefire way to disappoint yourselves and kick-start the bickering. There’s nothing like hiking up a mountain for sunset to be greeted by 90 per cent cloud cover, or a visit to a stunning waterfall that involves a 13-hour coach journey with no loo stops. Your trip will soon become unforgettable for all the wrong reasons.

Say what’s on your mind

When your partner grosses you out, bores the shit out of you, or simply deviates from your idealised view of them in any way, call them out on it instantly. You’ll soon find you’re pecking at each other so much that there’s no time to talk about anything else, let alone relax and enjoy your getaway.

Don’t say what’s on your mind

If your partner picks their teeth with a matchstick or makes you watch 37 TikToks in a row, don’t gently voice your disapproval. Store up the irritation and even tiny niggles will soon reach deal-breaking levels, meaning you can enjoy a huge, explosive argument on the final day of the trip. Romance is dead: job done!

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Woman's hunter-gatherer instinct activated while foraging through TK Maxx

A WOMAN’S primeval foraging instincts kicked in as she searched through the wilderness of TK Maxx for anything she might actually wear.

Lauren Hewitt spent close to an hour scavenging through racks of out-of-season skiwear, bizarrely-sized sports clothes and strange shoes, intent on finding something of use to her or her family.

Hewitt said: “Your senses need to be finely tuned in a jungle as untamed as TK Maxx. Every other person here is a competitor for the few pieces of wearable clothing sold in this savage hellscape of a shop. It’s survival of the fittest.

“I nearly got into a fist-fight with a woman after we both spotted a Nina Ricci top amongst all the other weird tat. I’d concealed myself behind a rack of XXXL kimonos waiting to pounce when she swooped in and caught the prey before I got there.

“However, I was lucky enough to track down a fake Le Creuset pan after a lengthy search through the wilds of the homeware section. I couldn’t help but raise it above my head and utter a loud guttural cry of triumph knowing that I’d helped my tribe survive another day.”

TK Maxx employee James Bates said: “That lady comes in all the time. She seems absolutely deranged.”