NAN passed away four years ago, but Grandad is coping. He’s been to Bangkok and now he’s introducing people to his ‘special friend’. Here’s how to deal with it.
Don’t ask how they met
You already know. It wasn’t at a friend’s wedding. Whatever version he tells you will involve ‘we just got chatting’, purchases of drinks and that ‘she likes older men’. Don’t throw shade on this beautiful late-life love affair by asking why every photo is in the same dodgy-looking bar or if he’s sure his ‘lady friend’ really is a lady.
Prepare for barbed Facebook comments
Nan’s sister Yvonne will be under every photo with ‘That’s one way to move on, Derek’. Your aunt will mysteriously start posting bitter Minions memes about loyalty. Someone’s changing their profile picture to Nan in moody black and white. Mute the family WhatsApp group before someone starts a poll asking whose side everyone’s on.
Tell yourself they never have sex
This is essential for your own mental wellbeing. They simply enjoy long walks, daytime television and discussing exchange rates between baht and sterling. She’s in Britain for fish and chips and English language study, nothing more. The matching kimonos came from the language school.
Focus on the food
The silver lining is that family Sunday lunches improve dramatically. Grandad’s gone from tinned meat and boiled carrots to homemade green curry. You may not approve of the circumstances, but you’d be lying if you said the free takeaway-quality cuisine wasn’t an upgrade.
Act like the age gap is normal
‘No, she just looks young for her age,’ claims Grandad, although she’s closer in age to his grandchildren than him. If anyone raises an eyebrow, stare into the middle distance and say ‘Love is love’. It is, even for perverts. It’s not creepy, you tell yourself, it’s an inspiring tale of two people meeting despite a 45 year age gap, 6,000 miles and about a zillion obvious problems.
Tell strangers she’s his carer
It’s less awkward than explaining she’s his girlfriend. Calling her Nan will just draw attention and she won’t like it, as she’s only 38 and has better skin than your sister. You could pretend they’re father and daughter but that’s genetically implausible. He’s saying ‘Sawasdee krab’ instead of ‘Hello’ to the postman now but you don’t think it’s convincing that a British pensioner who voted for Brexit has a live-in language tutor.
Remember he’s happy
As disturbing as it is watching an 82-year-old pensioner discover emojis and hair gel, he’s smiling more than he has in years. If he’s found someone who makes him happy and can tolerate hearing about his hip replacement every day while waiting for her indefinite leave to remain, everyone wins. Or at least everyone gets spring rolls.
