How to hide on Tinder that you used to be a Tory MP

HITTING the job market and, now infidelity’s no longer scandalous, the dating market as well? Tinder doesn’t need to know about your most recent period of employment: 

Create a cover story

Your date will most likely be looking for a partner with good judgment and a solid financial footing. Admitting you were involved in either the Johnson or Truss administrations will ruin that, so you need a story to cover at least the last five years. A stretch in a Columbian maximum security prison is less concerning.

Break into showbusiness

If Ed Balls can, you can. Call your contacts, begin with Saturday Kitchen, work your way up to the Masked Singer and prospective partners will assume they’re at fault for not having heard of you and never ask why you’re in Aladdin at the Bolton Octagon.

Delete old flames

As a Conservative MP, you were deluged with filthy offers daily. Researchers, lobbyists, Russian spies or Princess Beatrice, they were all ready and willing. But don’t waste time chasing them up now because they’re no longer interested, not even the Lib Dems. All they wanted to f**k was your power. And you respect that.

Stop behaving like a Conservative MP

Certain telltale behaviours may betray your former profession. Putting the date on expenses, deleting all WhatsApp messages, and calling the police on homeless people are all tells. When calling your dealer for a couple of grams, remember not to call him ‘Govey’.

Get a new wardrobe

If you’re not a Tory MP anymore, there’s no need to look like one. Also, there’s a not insignificant overlap between looking like a Tory and looking like a divorced man who hasn’t had sex since lockdown but wants to ‘live, laugh love with that special someone, must own property’. Jeans and a ‘F**k forever’ T-shirt should fool everyone.

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We ask you: will our new prime minister's rousing rhetoric inspire England to a 4-0 victory?

OUR new prime minister charged the whole nation with adrenaline from the steps of Downing Street yesterday. Will England do him proud with a massive win? 

Bill McKay, confectioner: “I think what he said about lives of service will resonate with them. Quiet, selfless sacrifice is Premier League footballers to a tee.”

Mary Fisher, horticulturalist: “Unfortunately Switzerland got a new prime minister yesterday who’s even more inspiring than Starmer. You didn’t know about it because it’s not one of the countries that counts.”

Wayne Hayes, flange tester: “Apparently Starmer plays a bit of footie himself. Oy oy? Get out on the f**king pitch, big man. Fill in at left back.”

Dr Helen Archer, GP: “England should score one goal for every Reform MP. Not as a racist dogwhistle, just because that’s a high but manageable number of goals.”

Joe Turner, truck driver’s mate: “I hope he has the humility to learn from Southgate that no matter how well he does, we’ll end up f**king hating him.”