How to humiliate yourself trying to pull someone out of your league

ARE you wrongly convinced you can woo that really attractive friend or person at work? Here’s how to embarrass yourself horribly.

Tell yourself it’s their personality not their looks

It’s important to believe you’re not shallow, so vastly exaggerate the attractive person’s qualities, eg. reading The Girl on the Train makes them a fascinating intellectual. Enough humiliation is heading your way anyway.

Develop an awkward ‘friend zone’ relationship

You know the sort of thing – become good friends but in a way that somehow de-sexualises you, like a brother or sister, or adorable little Pomeranian dog.

Get used to having weird evenings

Gone are the days of relaxed, boozy evenings in the pub. Socialising with the attractive person will involve talking to them as much as possible and worrying that someone else is trying to chat them up, in a joyous combination of logistics and stalking.

You may also meet their mates. These will always include a guy who your unattainable partner thinks is hilarious but who is an utter twat, and a female friend who – rightly – always seems to be sneering at you.

Get totally wasted and declare your undying love

Assuming they don’t secretly love you – which they don’t – this is humiliation in its purest form. Has the added bonus of working out how to apologise with a terrifying hangover while muttering ‘stupid, stupid, stupid’.

Be aware they’ll find an equally attractive partner

Eventually the attractive person will find a partner and you’ll be forced to pretend you’re totally cool with that while everyone smirks to themselves smugly. Stock up on tissues for heartbroken crying, although you may already have plenty due to sexual frustration.


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Are you clinging to your job by a thread?

JOBS. We all need them, but some of us are shit at them and may be politely told to fuck off. Take our quiz and find out if your job is hanging by a thread.

There’s a big meeting in the morning. How do you prepare?

A) Get up nice and early, read any relevant documents and take a moment to focus before it starts.

B) Turn up late and contribute nothing because you’re preoccupied with not being sick in a bin due to your regular Tuesday night drinking binge.

The regional boss is coming in after lunch and you’ve been asked to liaise. What do you do?

A) Prepare, be on time and don’t have anything too gassy with lunch.

B) Cocaine. Then improve your promotion prospects by matily hinting that he too might like a “crafty toot” of “the old showbiz sherbert”.

You’re asked to stay late to catch up on some paperwork you’re behind with. How do you respond?

A) Say “No worries” and get busy catching up.

B) Stuff the paperwork in your bottom drawer with those invoices you should have processed in 2018, pretend it doesn’t exist and play computer games instead. No harm can come of that.

Your boss asks how a tricky work project that’s due on Friday is coming along. What do you do?  

A) Explain in a mature and reasonable way that you need some more time, which your boss readily accepts.

B) Panic. Drink heavily. Phone in sick with a garbled, unconvincing excuse about having diarrhoea and your cat going missing.

Mostly As: Your job is fucking tedious, but it’s probably safe and you will continue to be able to buy food.

Mostly Bs: It’s probably time to sign up with some job websites. Just remember to lie a lot and leave that time you fell asleep on the toilet due to a hangover off your online CV.