How to react when your son brings a gorgeous new girlfriend home: A guide for dads

HAS your son turned up with an absolutely stunning new girlfriend? Here’s how to react without giving away the fact that you’d happily shag her yourself.

Don’t stare. Not more than you can help, anyway. She’ll pick up on it straight away and mark you down as just another lecherous old twat. In particular – and this is a good life lesson in general – don’t obviously gawp at her tits. Your son can’t say anything because he’s doing exactly that himself, but your wife will. She’ll have a lot to say later, and it won’t be suggesting a threesome.

Avoid pathetic attempts to impress her. You’re just some old bloke she’s obliged to be nice to, and won’t be the slightest bit in awe of the fact you used to be in a band or ride a motorbike. Definitely don’t creep her out, because the last thing you want is her telling her friends her boyfriend’s dad is a bit of a paedo. That would be heartbreaking, coming from the woman you love, which you just decided in the last five minutes.

Act indifferent about her to your wife. Your partner will have noticed how stunning she is, and the moment she’s gone will say to you: ‘Gosh, isn’t Tom’s new girlfriend pretty?’ This is a trap. Avoid being ensnared by replying with a vague shrug of the shoulders. She’ll know you’re faking it, but there’s no hard evidence and she’ll hopefully at least appreciate you trying.

Avoid asking her about her mother. The kid’s obviously from good-looking stock, and her mum will be about your age, so there will be an incredible temptation to slyly question her. Don’t. Just surreptitiously hunt down mum on Facebook instead. It’s perfectly acceptable and normal if you do it that way.

Resist the ‘hello hug’. Much as you’d love to get that bit more up close and personal, it’ll be more transparent than Johnson lying about Partygate. You’ve only just met, so attempting to embrace like you’re old friends would be weird. And you’re bound to hold on for a fraction too long, which will only drop you in the shit with your partner again.

Relieve the sexual tension with a wank in the bathroom. Not ideal, and pretty disgusting in fact, but it’s preferable to sitting there with a cushion over your lap all evening. With that out of the way you can get to know new girlfriend as a person. You’ve already noticed she’s highly intelligent and very funny, and probably your mature, sensible attitude to sex is pretty attractive, in a way… no, don’t start that again.

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Five songs men listen to when nobody else is around

THINK you know the men in your life? Guess again. When left to their own devices, these are the songs they like to listen to.

Natasha Bedingfield – These Words

In company, men listen to respectable, manly music by Bruce Springsteen or Eric Clapton. But in private they reveal their true, cheesy pop-loving form. Natasha Bedingfield’s 2004 banger is a popular choice, not least because a man can do a fun little mime along to the record scratch at the beginning. A simple pleasure for a simple sex.

Aqua – Barbie Girl

Men don’t just listen to Barbie Girl. They have memorised all the words and choreographed their own special dance which has been practised to perfection. Oddly they only sing along to Barbie’s lyrics and not Ken’s. Make of that what you will. It probably just means they’re in touch with their feminine side so don’t worry about it.

Taylor Swift – Karma

The monolithic popularity of Taylor Swift is a mystery to men. When their partner pops out to get their hair done, men will covertly put on Swift’s latest single to try and figure out why she’s so beloved. Does she simply express their complex human experience in a catchy, empowering way? Or is she, like, just totally amazing and they wish they were her? They’re going to have to download all her albums now, just for research purposes, you understand.

Manowar – Hand of Doom

American heavy metal band Manowar is a guilty pleasure of every man. Their frenetic fretboard noodling and lyrics based around mythological wars tap into the primal gratification nodes buried deep in a man’s brain. Men know this music is not fit for public consumption though and would rather be caught wanking than listening to it, so they do their best to be discreet.

Hans Zimmer – The Battle

The signature arrangement from the Gladiator soundtrack livens up a man’s life as he potters around doing the hoovering or the washing up. It makes him feel like he too is the commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to the true emperor. But if his girlfriend comes back early he’ll switch it right off because she f**king hates it.