How to struggle through a socially distanced date when you can't just shag

DO you normally stop the awkwardness of a first date by getting drunk and having sex? Here’s how to cope now that’s not allowed.

Attempt to find something in common

Most relationships are based on wanting sex then being too emotionally needy to split up, so it’s rare to have something in common. Try really hard to find something and you might actually enjoy your relationship, even if it’s just a shared love of crisps.

Go for an annoying walk

A romantic walk in the park sounds delightful. Until you realise you have to walk two metres apart and can’t hear each other. However, if you’re mainly shouting “Sorry, WHAT?” at each other, this will disguise the fact that you’re a really boring conversationalist.

Judge them by their choice in coffee

You can’t go back to their house and judge them on their interior decorating or collection of Top Gear annuals, so judge them on their choice of takeaway hot beverage. Does a black Americano mean they’re cool and minimalist, or just dull? You’ll basically have to guess.

Meet for a picnic

Another easy way to suss them out is by what they bring to a socially distanced picnic. If they turn up with strawberries and Prosecco you’ll know they’re extravagant and generous. If it’s a Sainsbury’s egg mayo sandwich and a can of Monster, you’ll know to never see them again.

Just get pissed and shag

If we’re all going to get caught in a second wave of coronavirus and locked down again, you might as well go for it. The fact that it’s technically illegal will make it extra exciting, although if you get hit with a £250 fine for a mediocre shag it definitely wasn’t worth it.

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Rees-Mogg to insist MPs distance by five-sevenths of an imperial fathom

JACOB Rees-Mogg is insisting that social distancing in the Commons is carried out with long-forgotten imperial measurements. 

From now on, the Serjeant-at-arms will use a 19th century measuring system last used at the time of the Corn Laws, and any MP failing to comply will be removed by men in stockings.

Leader of the House Rees-Mogg said: “I considered the rod, perch or pole measurement from the 15th century but even my own children had no idea what I was talking about.

“In the case of lady MPs, distances will be measured from the outer hem of their skirts. Should any of them attempt to cheat the system by wearing trousers, they will be barred.”

Labour MP Tom Logan said: “It’s bad enough queuing for two hours but now I’ve got to stand here being measured by a guy who looks as if he’s out of Blackadder.”

Rees-Mogg added: “This is just the start. I also plan to bring back obsolete measurements such as the furlong and barleycorn, and of course our beloved pre-decimal currency.

“This will make shopping a nightmare for everyone except weirdos like me, but it’s patriotic.”