Five kids' projects for f**king desperate parents

FOR many parents, your kids going back to school is a distant dream and you’ve used up all your ideas for child-friendly fun. Here are five projects if you’re utterly desperate.

Feed any animal you can find

You’ve fed the ducks in the park, so find more things to feed. Throw fistfuls of oven chips at seagulls, or see if a squirrel can carry a scotch egg. If you live in a city, there are diseased urban foxes and terrifying rats. Don’t worry if they make your children burst into tears, they’ll just cry themselves tired. Hey presto! Early bedtime.

‘Upcycle’ some toys

Not all toys need to be brand new, some just need a makeover. For example, take an old doll and cut off all its hair. Now dress it in the oddest selection of clothes you can find from the other dolls. Finally draw an arrogant scowl on its face with biro. Voila! Your child is the first in the street to own a Dominic Cummings doll. 

Introduce them to the real world of baking

Instead of getting them to make twee little cupcakes, introduce them to the exhausting world of the professional baker. Get them kneading and proving the dough for eight hours a day with their tiny hands until they can make perfect crusty loaves and mixed olive focaccia. They might even be the next Paul Hollywood, although no parent really wants that. 

Cautionary DIY tattoos 

Your kids are going to get tattoos when they’re older, whether it’s your son getting a full sleeve despite being soft as shite or your daughter getting a drunken love heart at 3am just off the Malia strip. So get out the marker pens and encourage them to ‘tattoo’ themselves. Then mock them ruthlessly as a valuable lesson in what it is like to be covered in shit drawings.

A massive stick 

Back in the day, every kid loved a big stick. You can poke stuff with it, throw it like a javelin, whack it against a tree and nearly have your eye out with it. Massive sticks need to come back – they’re nature’s PlayStation.



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Which of your disgusting habits are your flatmates texting their friends about?

HAVE you got weird, disgusting habits and share a flat? Simply add one point for each of these activities and find out if other people are slagging you off to their mates. 

Biting your toenails

If you do this, you deserve to be slagged off, really. But having said that it’s impressive you’re so flexible you can get your toe into your mouth. Let just hope you’re ‘flexible’ enough to find new accommodation during lockdown.

Always making smelly food

For example: buying lots of smelly fish, making pungent egg and salad cream sandwiches or doing weird things with offal. These offences mean you can’t really complain if there’s a photo of you on your flatmates’ group chat with the caption ‘Why won’t they move out?’. 

Typing with the text tone on

If you let your phone make clicking noises while you’re texting, or emit constant dings whenever you get a notification, your flatmates are almost certainly moaning to their mates about you. Unless they also have a pathetic need to advertise the fact that they have friends. 

Going to the bathroom with the door open 

Admittedly if you’re inflicting this on a flatmate, it’s probably your partner you share a flat with rather than semi-strangers. Let’s hope so anyway. And if this is the case, your partner is right to be slagging you off to their mates, and perhaps one day in a divorce hearing. 


1-2 of these: You’re on thin ice. They probably are slagging you off, but there may not be too many expletives. 

3-4 of these: Your flatmates may well be calling the local environmental health department, or possibly 999.