Sourdough starter lets woman down like every other living thing on planet

A WOMAN’S sourdough starter has let her down just like every other human, animal and plant always bloody does. 

Joanna Kramer’s attempt to force yeast and lactobacilli to thrive together in a harmonious symbiotic relationship has failed just as quickly and painfully as all her other relationships do. 

She said: “I got dumped 12 hours before lockdown began, in what was clearly a precautionary measure. 

“My cat left eight weeks ago – I still see him, but he belongs to another family now – and my golden cane palm stopped clinging on at the beginning of May. 

“I figured this was an opportunity for me and the living world to begin again. To go back to basics. So I thought I’d start with microbiotic organisms and rebuild our relationship from the ground up. 

“Instead this f**king starter hates me just as much as everything else does. The bacteria would rather sit there dying than spend another minute in my company.

“At this point I’m ready to go out there and get COVID-19 just in the hope it’ll bond with my proteins. But it’ll probably despise me as well.” 

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'Will I ever have sex?': The fantasy role-playing nerd's guide to lockdown ending

LOCKDOWN is easing, but what does it mean for the fantasy role-playing game community? Here’s what to expect if you’re obsessed with D&D or Warhammer.

Can I play Dungeons & Dragons with my friends?

Yes, provided you observe social distancing. When fighting goblins with a doubled-handed Dwarven broadsword, make sure you are two metres apart. From your fellow players, not the goblins. They’re not real. 

Can I have sex? 

In theory ‘Yes’, but in reality ‘No, because you are into fantasy gaming’. There are no specific government plans to help nerds lose their virginity, so either Skype a female relative for tips on how to talk to women, or just stick with the surprising amount of elf porn on the internet.

Should I stockpile Warhammer figures? 

It’s a question we’ve all asked ourselves. Buying too many Space Marines and Tyranids could lead to a shortage for other players, but you need enough miniatures or your battles with supernatural aliens won’t be realistic. 

If I meet a female tabletop gaming enthusiast, how do we start dating?

Probably best not to dwell on this too long, but anyway. Although lockdown is easing rules are still in place. Try going to a socially distanced pub and having an alcoholic drink instead of Diet Coke so you look a bit more normal.

When does the Games Workshop reopen?

Shamefully, the government has not prioritised the reopening of shops selling Warhammer miniatures and rule books. The scandal is being investigated by top investigative journalists from White Dwarf magazine.

Should I move out of my mum’s house?

That’s not really anything to do with lockdown. Have a go at doing your own washing first.