Friday, 3rd July 2020

Sourdough starter lets woman down like every other living thing on planet

A WOMAN’S sourdough starter has let her down just like every other human, animal and plant always bloody does. 

Joanna Kramer’s attempt to force yeast and lactobacilli to thrive together in a harmonious symbiotic relationship has failed just as quickly and painfully as all her other relationships do. 

She said: “I got dumped 12 hours before lockdown began, in what was clearly a precautionary measure. 

“My cat left eight weeks ago – I still see him, but he belongs to another family now – and my golden cane palm stopped clinging on at the beginning of May. 

“I figured this was an opportunity for me and the living world to begin again. To go back to basics. So I thought I’d start with microbiotic organisms and rebuild our relationship from the ground up. 

“Instead this f**king starter hates me just as much as everything else does. The bacteria would rather sit there dying than spend another minute in my company.

“At this point I’m ready to go out there and get COVID-19 just in the hope it’ll bond with my proteins. But it’ll probably despise me as well.”