Impressing women by playing instrument does not apply to ukulele

MEN hoping to impress women by playing an instrument have been reminded it does not apply to the ukulele.

Experts stressed that the ukulele should only be learned by people who genuinely love the instrument and not by those hoping to look sexy.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “While there have been a few cases of male ukulele players succeeding with women, it is purely coincidental. The women were not aware that those men played the ukulele.

“Indeed, many ukulele players go to great lengths to conceal their ukulele playing. For example if they are in a social situation and a friend says ‘Jim plays the ukulele’, ‘Jim’ will say ‘no I do not, that’s a lie’.”

Professor Brubaker added: “Recommended instruments include the guitar, the bass and the piano. Even the violin and the harp could do the business, especially in the hands of an Irishman.

“The only thing that comes close to being as bad as the ukulele is, of course, the trumpet.”


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Londoner faints after seeing what northern renters get for their money

A MAN from London fainted after discovering how much northerners pay in rent each month.

Zone 1 inhabitant Martin Bishop was left confused after his friend Tom Booker from Nottingham described his bedsit as ‘cosy, but probably cheap, right?’.

Bishop said: “I was flummoxed. All of my London mates were fascinated that I’d found a room with nearly enough space for a small double mattress for just under a grand a month.”

Booker then told Bishop that for the same price he could easily afford a three bedroom semi-detached house if he ventured north of Peterborough.

Booker added: “As I swiped through a Rightmove gallery I could see the colour start to drain from his face. Then when he saw the size of the garden he gave a brief, high pitched moan and his legs started to give way.

“I’ve seen this happen before with lots of mates who live in London so I took the necessary precautions to cushion his fall. But it’s physically impossible to lie flat in his shoebox so he did bump his head on a wall.”