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It is all your parents' fault, experts confirm

ALL the social, economic, physical or psychological challenges you face are entirely the fault of your parents, new research has confirmed.

Although parents try to shirk responsibility by claiming they did their best and gave you every opportunity, each one of your flaws and failings can be laid at their feet.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Struggling to pay your rent? Haven’t had a shag in years? Eat crisp sandwiches for breakfast?

“None of it is your fault. We’re still as yet unsure whether it is due to genetics or environment, but your inability to book a dentist appointment is not due to any failing on your part, but because the people that raised you are twats.”

Kelly Howard, aged 29, said: “The relief I feel that I’ve been right all along about my sack of shit parents is enormous.

“I can’t wait to yell this in Mum’s face next time she gently suggests it would help my career if I stopped falling out with colleagues and having to move jobs every six months.”

Her mum Mary said: “I wish my mother was still alive to blame. My children are such f**k ups and it’s all her and Dad’s fault.”

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The overexcited girlfriend's guide to meeting a cat on the street

ENCOUNTERED a cat on the street but do not know how to react? Keep calm and follow these step-by-step actions laid down by overexcited girlfriends.

Shriek

Upon spotting a cat, you should maturely acknowledge its presence by letting out an ear-piercing shriek that will shatter any nearby windows. Hand flailing and foot stomping is permitted but not compulsory as it may scare the cat away. That’s if your banshee-like screech of excitement hasn’t caused it to flee in terror already.

Go over to it

So what if the cat is on the other side of the road and you’re having a serious heart-to-heart with your partner? Leave them and blithely walk through busy traffic in order to say hello. Don’t waste precious time waiting for the green man, if you walk confidently enough drivers will slam on the breaks while shouting at you and blaring their horns.

Invent a new language

Normal human modes of speech and syntax are not appropriate when meeting a cat. Instead, you need to talk to it like it’s a baby, make strange noises that sound a bit like a kiss, and use made up words to describe how cute its lubbly ickle pawsies are. This will not impress the cat in the slightest, but rules are rules.

Touch it in all the wrong places

Manhandling a cat is a delicate procedure. The top of the head can be scratched, so too can the spaces behind the ears and beneath the chin. As for anywhere else, you’re taking your life in your hands. That’s unless you’re an overexcited girlfriend, who will heavy-handedly stroke the curious shape its back has arched into or its fiercely protected belly. Remember to joyfully power through the clawing.

Claim to have made a new friend

Ignore how the cat is hissing, swiping at you and angrily backing away. These are simply its silly ways of saying it likes you, so you can now call it a friend. If it darts up a tree or dashes off the second you look away, that’s because the cat can’t handle the size of its love for you and not because it hates you.

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